When a marriage ends, things can be pretty bad for the children. Some kids are asked to make peace between bickering exes while they are still lamenting over or missing a parent who moved out all of a sudden. There are other children who have to cope up with parents who are suddenly at a loss to handle daily chores such as helping them with a home task or making meals.
There are some parents who feel that once their divorce is through, most of the issues will be sorted out and they can look ahead in their lives. But, even after the divorce, the responsibilities related to parenting are a new experience every day. How successful you are as a parent will depend on how you react to situations, your empathy for the children and the decisions you need to make. Avoid making some of these top mistakes that most parents tend to make after their divorce.
Avoid treating your kid as a messenger
A majority of the parents try to communicate with their former spouses via their kids. Such a behavior can cause excessive emotional stress or trauma on them. It may also compel the children to create a situation that you will not be able to tangle as their parents. It is better to communicate with the other parent via emails, which is a great communication tool these days. Moreover, it will enable you to only focus on practical aspects of bringing up your child and not digress into negative discussions or open old wounds.
Do not grill your kids too much
Parents should regard their kid’s days away with the other parent in the same manner as if they are staying with an uncle or aunt. If you tell your children nothing at all, they can feel stressed and get a feeling of compartmentalization. On the flip side, when you grill or bully them too much, they feel they are in the middle of both of you and become emotionally distressed. Rather, ask your child only general and fun questions so that they feel relaxed.
Try to understand your child
Your children should feel loved, appreciated, and well-understood. As it is, after they see their parents getting divorced, they could be going through an emotional turmoil. So, as a compassionate parent, you should listen to them properly and avoid instructing them to think. Although it may appear tough, avoid criticizing your former spouse. After all, you could then be indirectly criticizing your own kid who is a part of both of you.
Get help from a professional therapist
You should never commit the mistake of venting out your emotions or sharing divorce details with your little ones. Such discussion could make them more anxious rather than appreciating your mental condition. Instead, seek professional advice from a therapist.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
The first few months of separation can be tremendously lonely and overwhelming for most divorced individuals. And while you pass every minute of every hour every day trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life, something as simple and harmless as your spouse’s pillow or your little one’s teddy bear can lead you to uncontrollable fits of crying.
While you might be tempted to find a shoulder to cry on and a new somebody to support you in your weak moments, the period right after a divorce is not really a suitable time to start dating again. Here is a list of a few basic reasons why you need to take a break from relationships and heal yourself after a divorce.
To determine your identity outside of others
When was the last time you actually put your needs and desires ahead of your partner and kids? A marriage often dissolves one’s personal identity and molds the couple into one, where their sole motive is to have a happy and peaceful life together. However, now that you are divorced, it is the right time to take some time off and breathe as a liberated woman/man instead of hinging your values on your role in someone else’s life.
To follow the natural course of grief
You cannot expect to lay the foundation of a new relationship on the tremendous emotional baggage that you are schlepping on your back. Just having recovered from a grave emotional trauma, you need to grieve your loss and get it out of your system. Instead of being ashamed of your feelings, you must cry your heart out in order to move forward to another relationship.
To determine the kind of qualities you need in your future partner
You know that your previous relationship did not work out and you do not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. When you stay single for an adequate amount of time after a divorce, you get the opportunity to reflect on the past and analyze the red flags in your previous partner’s personality that pushed you into this. Instead of attaching yourself to the first man/woman you meet, try to have casual meetings and explore their company to determine whether they have exactly the qualities that you are looking for in a potential partner.
To minimize the burden of your sorrow on your future partner
You obviously wouldn’t want to crush your new potential partner with the ugly details of your divorce. After all, it is not his/her fault that you are no longer with your spouse. It is always better to give yourself a little time to introspect and deal with your unresolved emotional issues all by yourself.
You must understand that healing takes time. And only when you have overcome your grief will you be able to truly find peace and contentment in a new relationship.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Are you and your spouse continuously at loggerheads with one another? If that is the case, you might have started wondering whether it will be good to separate from one another or not. However, the solution is not as simple as it first appears. It will depend on various factors in your married life and the present situation both of you is dealing with.
Is it the right time to separate from your spouse?
When both you and your spouse discover that staying in each other’s company continuously is causing friction and heated arguments, separation could be a good idea to see if you can save your marriage. In all relationships, many people tend to be extra dependent on one another and marriage is not an exception. Some people who do not have their own identity may start resenting their partners that could create major fractions in their relationships. Spending time apart from one another may help people to build up their individual identities. So, when they do decide to reunite their mind and spirit can renew the relationship.
Another scenario when separation could be good in a marriage is when one of the spouses has committed adultery while being married. Spending some time away from each other can help the spouse who was betrayed to think clearly and decide the future course of action. Moreover, staying close up the unfaithful husband or wife can cause more heartbreaks and agonies to the betrayed partner, which is not good to repair that marriage.
You find couples who are in a long distance relationship claim that such an arrangement has a rekindling effect on their relationship. Moreover, many of these couples say that it adds a new fuel to their otherwise mundane relationships. However, that does not necessarily mean you need to always move away from your spouse to generate the same kind of feelings. But, it is not a bad idea at all to separate at times briefly to bring in some passion.
Sometimes it may not be good to opt for separation in a marriage
In any relationship, effective communication plays a key role. When you have certain concerns that you have stopped communicating with your spouse, the issues may never get resolved and your relationship can become worse. So, before you make a decision to go for a separation, you need to ensure that both you and your spouse have discussed all your issues and concerns. Take some time and speak freely about the issues that are bothering you and try to find out solutions for them. If both of you show a willingness to work towards resolving these issues, you have actually taken a positive step to save your marriage.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Marriage is not an easy relationship. There are several cases when couples started their married life with the best intentions but ended up getting divorced. There could be various reasons for which couples get divorced. Here are some of the most common reasons for couples ending up being in divorce court.
Extra-marital affairs or adultery
According to a report published by AARP, even today, adultery plays a big role in people filing for divorce. But, reports also claim that there are several reasons that lead to a spouse getting into an extra-marital affair such as unequal sexual urges, getting distant, having different interests, resentment and fury.
Gain in weight or obesity
Though it may appear as a surprising reason, unusual weight gain by one of the spouses is also known to be a major reason why couples get divorced. A survey conducted by Men’s Health magazine reported that when one of the spouses gains a lot of weight, it can come in the way of their marital bliss. If your spouse does not attract or get turned on to your body, there could be problems like resentment and rejection, which can be marriage-threatening issues.
Monetary issues
According to a report published by the American Journal of Sociology, when a husband is unemployed, it can be a major criterion for divorce. In other words, lack of or insufficient money can cause big problems in a marriage, often leading to a divorce. If a married couple faces financial on strainers, there could be a lot of stress. This can further lead to a lack of proper communication and constant arguing. There are many couples who have different views on the others’ spending habits. Relationships may undergo lots of stress where one controls or has the finances, which often end up in a divorce.
Lack of proper communication
Often you will hear people saying that proper communication is the key to a successful marriage. Many relationship coaches opine that negative communication or lack of communication may diminish feelings of romance and love between couples. When a couple stops having effective communication, marital troubles leading to a divorce are not unusual.
Abuse
Abuse can be either a spouse being physically or emotionally abused by the other spouse. These are a common reason why many couples get divorced. Verbal or physical fighting that happens frequently between couples may make their relationship volatile and eventually end up in a divorce.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Psychological stress during a divorce is common and most individuals who go through a divorce experience it. Often, those who experience psychological stress were not prepared for what was in store for them. The unpreparedness catches them off guard and the consequences are much worse than they are supposed to be. There are different stages of psychological stress during and after a divorce and individuals who are going through one should be wary of them.
Stage 1: Blame
No one wants to admit that the divorce is happening because of them. Everyone wants to blame the spouse for every little thing that may or may not have resulted in the separation. Every couple going through a divorce likes playing the blame game. Also, blaming a spouse for the divorce makes one fell less guilty about the divorce.
Stage 2: Anger
Anger is a common feeling because most feel cheated when their spouse decides to call it quits. However, anger is the cause for treat psychological stress and individuals often find themselves suffering from a range of mental problems.
Stage 3: Sadness
When the divorce finally sinks in, a divorcee mourns the loss of his/her marriage. It is not uncommon to feel this way especially when one individual was happy with the marriage. Sadness is linked with a number of psychological issues with depression being the most common one. A depressed individual will show non-reciprocity towards happy feelings or things that people normally like doing. Depression has been a major cause of concern for many Americans.
Stage 4: Moving on
The time that individuals take to move from stage 3 to stage 4 varies. Some take months, some years while others don’t move at all. Moving on in life involves accepting the situation the way it is. From a psychological point of view, moving on after a divorce means accepting all that is good in life and rejecting those that cause harm.
Conclusion
Divorces are never easy and individuals who go through a divorce are also victims of psychological problems. There are different psychological stages that an individual goes through namely blame, anger, sadness and moving on. The stages start from the time of divorce proceeding and continues long after the divorce gets finalized. It is a good idea to see a counselor or a mediator and in some cases even a psychologist to help you deal with such problems.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
The role of divorce mediation goes beyond simple reconciliation between two individuals. It is an important role and can often lead to favorable results. Ending a marriage is a big decision and should be carefully considered before moving ahead with the process. Apart from emotional problems, things like assets, property, business and children also play an important part.
It is often suggested for couples who experience stress and trauma while going through divorce proceedings to seek the help of a therapist. It is not really the job of a divorce mediator to play the role of a therapist but when the need arises, they can be one in several respects.
How does therapy help during divorce?
An individual going through a divorce may feel depressed and emotionally detached from those around him/her. Although therapy is recommended for such individuals, they can feel scared at the thought of seeing a therapist. They feel they have developed a psychological problem or have become mentally ill. In such cases, if the divorce mediator plays the role of a quasi-therapist who listens to their concerns and issues, the individual feels more comfortable and opens up.
It has often happened that due to depression, divorcees have ended up making terrible decisions that they wouldn’t have normally made. The main job of a divorce mediator is to pacify misunderstandings between the couple and provide a moral support. The main job of a therapist is to understand an individual’s mental state and provide solutions. Sometimes, the two roles overlap and then it becomes the job of a mediator to handle both.
Therapy is also important for children whose parents are going through a divorce because the situation affects them too. Research has shown that children who witness divorce are more likely to experience mental trauma than other children. They are also more likely to perform badly in academics and other activities. Divorce mediators try locating key problem areas and try providing a possible solution.
Conclusion
A divorce can become ugly and individuals going through the process can becoming depressed, and mediation is a good solution. Therapy can be required because it helps reduce stress and can lead to reconciliation as well. Divorce mediators can often provide some form of therapy if they feel that their clients are making bad and unreasonable decisions due to divorce stress and trauma.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
When a marriage ends, things can be pretty bad for the children. Some kids are asked to make peace between bickering exes while they are still lamenting over or missing a parent who moved out all of a sudden. There are other children who have to cope up with parents who are suddenly at a loss to handle daily chores such as helping them with a home task or making meals.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
