These Are The Emotional Phases of Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsNo two people react the same way to their divorce. However, there are certain emotional phases everyone goes through while experiencing their divorce.

There are certain phases that could be as painful as the feeling when a dear one passes away. When you know what to expect, it becomes easier for you to sail through these phases. However, the negative feelings may still be within you. You will also find that done phases are easier to move through as compared to the others.

  1. Refusing to believe

You may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that the divorce is happening to you. In fact, you are not ready to accept the end of your relationship and frantically struggle to find out answers to your marital problems. And you still spend your time convinced that when you do or say the right thing, there is a possibility of the return of your spouse. You are convinced that your divorce cannot be a solution for the marital problems both of you are going through.

  1. Surprise and shock

Emotions like numbness, fury, panic or feeling that you are becoming crazy are normal in this phase. There is a swing between a hope that your marriage can still be restored and sadness that all is over in your marriage. You will feel it impossible to handle these feelings. Moreover, there are certain fears you start experiencing while thinking about the future all alone. Questions like whether you will find love again or not and how to survive after your divorce will start haunting you.

  1. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions

It feels difficult for you to settle your thoughts and emotions. At one moment you see a gleam of hope in your life but the next moment you feel agony and despair. This is a phase where you also try to introspection what exactly happened. When you can understand and appreciate that, your pain will ebb and everything will start making sense once again.

  1. Negotiating

In this phase, you may still cling to the hope that a restoration of your marriage is not entirely impossible. You are willing and flexible to alter things in yourself or do anything if it will make your spouse return home.

  1. Letting go

This is a phase where you eventually realize that your marriage has ended. You cannot say nor do anything to alter that.

  1. Accepting facts

Your obsessive thoughts have stopped bothering you in this phase. You no longer feel the urge to restore your marriage and start feeling that you can have a fulfilling and new life before you.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How To Create An Amicable Relationship With Your Ex After A Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsIt is no hidden fact that divorces happen because the relationship that was once pure and strong between two individuals becomes bad. And it’s also true that individuals who get divorced don’t like keeping in touch with their ex unless a child or business is involved. But it’s also true that some people maintain an amicable relationship with their ex-spouse. So how do they do it? Here are some ways how.

Embrace the change and start afresh

Most individuals don’t take divorces well and show signs of psychological problems. But there are some who see it as a change. They take their divorces positively and start afresh. For them, it’s a new beginning and a part of their change is keeping good relations with their ex. If you’re trying to be one such individual, then remember to accept your feelings and embrace the change that life has to offer you. When you were married, you had responsibilities and certain things were expected from you but since you’ve got divorced, you don’t have any inhibitions. You have the freedom of living the way you want to. A new lifestyle will help you reflect on the problems you faced during your marriage and it will, in turn, help you build a better relationship with your ex.

Establish boundaries which you couldn’t do during marriage

After a divorce, it becomes easy to set up physical and emotional boundaries which wasn’t possible during a marriage. Having boundaries allows you to determine the type of communication you want to keep with your ex. You also have the freedom of avoiding discussions which might upset the either of you. Boundaries help build respect and your ex. will notice it too.

Create a new routine

Now you have the time to re-structure your life and create a routine that suits you. Creating a routine will help you avoid anger and frustration. It will also make your ex. realize that you have moved on with your life. This again creates respect and it becomes easy to maintain a good relationship.

Conclusion

Most individuals find post-divorce relationships hard to maintain but there are ways in which you can make it better. Accept your divorce as a new change and embrace it. Create a routine for yourself and follow it. Also, establish certain boundaries and let your ex. know about it. Your ex. will develop a sense of respect for you and your relationship will become more amicable.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Why Permanent Alimony is Favored by Many People

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Spousal support Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsAlthough alimony, which is also referred to as spousal support, is regarded by some as a dirty word, there are still many people who favor it. But there are several states that have rewritten their divorce laws so that permanent alimony can be scrapped.

For several decades in the past, it was usual that after a man and a woman got married, the wife stayed at home and took care of the family to help promote the career of her husband. It was a common practice for women to support their husbands, and when children were born, perform most of the activities related to their rearing. So, if there was a divorce, it is natural to understand why she was awarded permanent alimony. After all, all these years during the marriage, she never had an opportunity or time to develop her professional career.

To cut it short, even today, most of the couples make the emotional choice of having one of them to stay back at home with the kids. While doing so, one of them becomes financially dependent on the other spouse who is the breadwinner of the family. When a mom or a dad give up their professional career and decides to stay back at home to bring up their kids for 18 years, the ability or the opportunity to make a re-entry to the workforce becomes less. Moreover, they will not be able to earn the same kind of salary their spouses are earning.

Many think that these are some of the cases when a spouse should be awarded permanent alimony:

When a spouse unilaterally decides to end a long-term marriage

If the spouse who’s the breadwinner of the family decides to divorce unilaterally from a marriage that lasted for 15 years or more, permanent alimony should be awarded to the dependent spouse.

When the dependent spouse has to look after the kids

In case a dependent spouse has to take care of the kids all alone but fails to get employment and stands at a risk of a drastic change in the lifestyle, he or she should be awarded a permanent alimony.

When a spouse is at a risk of facing financial poverty

If the situation is such that a spouse is exposed to the threat of suffering from acute poverty as he or she lacks necessary working skills post-divorce, permanent alimony should be awarded to that spouse.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips On How To Let People Know You Are Filing For Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediators in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsIt can be very painful to break the news of your divorce to your family and friends. However, you need to tell them at some point or the other. So faster you do the work, it is better for you. The toughest challenge for you will be sharing this news with your kids.

Share the news of your divorce with your family members

After you have informed your kids, you need to next confide with the remaining family members that you are planning to divorce your spouse. You should share this news with your parents first. Subsequently, you can disclose it to your siblings and other family members. Do not be in a hurry to break the news to your distant family members immediately if you do not interact with them frequently. You can always let them know later on provided your other family members have already not told them about it.

Your parents

You may go through lots of emotional turmoil while breaking the divorce news to both your parents as well as to the parents of your spouse. But you should be calm and not lose your cool. Moreover, do not share all the details and avoid blaming anyone else for your current predicament.

Rest of the family members

It could be easier for you to deal with the remaining family members since their investment and contribution to your marriage is lesser and even though they could like your spouse a lot.

Confiding in your friends

Informing your friends could be as tough as informing your family members. This is particularly true when they share a great rapport with your spouse too. So, make an attempt to be at your diplomatic best so that they do not feel they should choose a side. But, you need to be more candid with your close friends as compared to your casual friends who you are not that close to.

However, you may need to share this news with your casual friends too so that they do not ask you accidentally how your husband or wife is. After all, you do not want to begin any type of awkward situation to explain your present situation.

Informing employers and colleagues

It is always recommended not to divulge or share too many personal details at your workplace. Being discreet about your personal life is always a good idea. So, just share the minimal details about your divorce at your workplace to avoid gossips or speculations, which can harm your career.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Top Mistakes Parents Tend to Make After Their Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsWhen a marriage ends, things can be pretty bad for the children. Some kids are asked to make peace between bickering exes while they are still lamenting over or missing a parent who moved out all of a sudden. There are other children who have to cope up with parents who are suddenly at a loss to handle daily chores such as helping them with a home task or making meals.

There are some parents who feel that once their divorce is through, most of the issues will be sorted out and they can look ahead in their lives. But, even after the divorce, the responsibilities related to parenting are a new experience every day. How successful you are as a parent will depend on how you react to situations, your empathy for the children and the decisions you need to make. Avoid making some of these top mistakes that most parents tend to make after their divorce.

Avoid treating your kid as a messenger

A majority of the parents try to communicate with their former spouses via their kids. Such a behavior can cause excessive emotional stress or trauma on them. It may also compel the children to create a situation that you will not be able to tangle as their parents. It is better to communicate with the other parent via emails, which is a great communication tool these days. Moreover, it will enable you to only focus on practical aspects of bringing up your child and not digress into negative discussions or open old wounds.

Do not grill your kids too much

Parents should regard their kid’s days away with the other parent in the same manner as if they are staying with an uncle or aunt. If you tell your children nothing at all, they can feel stressed and get a feeling of compartmentalization.  On the flip side, when you grill or bully them too much, they feel they are in the middle of both of you and become emotionally distressed. Rather, ask your child only general and fun questions so that they feel relaxed.

Try to understand your child

Your children should feel loved, appreciated, and well-understood. As it is, after they see their parents getting divorced, they could be going through an emotional turmoil. So, as a compassionate parent, you should listen to them properly and avoid instructing them to think. Although it may appear tough, avoid criticizing your former spouse. After all, you could then be indirectly criticizing your own kid who is a part of both of you.

Get help from a professional therapist

You should never commit the mistake of venting out your emotions or sharing divorce details with your little ones. Such discussion could make them more anxious rather than appreciating your mental condition. Instead, seek professional advice from a therapist.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Why You Need to Pause and Heal Instead of Dating Right After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsThe first few months of separation can be tremendously lonely and overwhelming for most divorced individuals. And while you pass every minute of every hour every day trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life, something as simple and harmless as your spouse’s pillow or your little one’s teddy bear can lead you to uncontrollable fits of crying.

While you might be tempted to find a shoulder to cry on and a new somebody to support you in your weak moments, the period right after a divorce is not really a suitable time to start dating again. Here is a list of a few basic reasons why you need to take a break from relationships and heal yourself after a divorce.

To determine your identity outside of others

When was the last time you actually put your needs and desires ahead of your partner and kids? A marriage often dissolves one’s personal identity and molds the couple into one, where their sole motive is to have a happy and peaceful life together. However, now that you are divorced, it is the right time to take some time off and breathe as a liberated woman/man instead of hinging your values on your role in someone else’s life.

To follow the natural course of grief

You cannot expect to lay the foundation of a new relationship on the tremendous emotional baggage that you are schlepping on your back. Just having recovered from a grave emotional trauma, you need to grieve your loss and get it out of your system. Instead of being ashamed of your feelings, you must cry your heart out in order to move forward to another relationship.

To determine the kind of qualities you need in your future partner

You know that your previous relationship did not work out and you do not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. When you stay single for an adequate amount of time after a divorce, you get the opportunity to reflect on the past and analyze the red flags in your previous partner’s personality that pushed you into this. Instead of attaching yourself to the first man/woman you meet, try to have casual meetings and explore their company to determine whether they have exactly the qualities that you are looking for in a potential partner.

To minimize the burden of your sorrow on your future partner

You obviously wouldn’t want to crush your new potential partner with the ugly details of your divorce. After all, it is not his/her fault that you are no longer with your spouse. It is always better to give yourself a little time to introspect and deal with your unresolved emotional issues all by yourself.

You must understand that healing takes time. And only when you have overcome your grief will you be able to truly find peace and contentment in a new relationship.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Take These Steps to Succeed As A Divorced Dad

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsFinding yourself as a divorced father all of a sudden can be a real big challenge. It could be a shattering experience to find that you are all alone in the hours and the kids are no longer living under the same roof with you. If you want to be a successful father after your divorce, you should maintain a bonded relationship with your children though you are now divorced from your spouse.

Though divorce situations can be unique, when a father is well-aware about what to expect, he can respond in a better manner. When fathers can manage situations more effectively, they are more successful in handling issues after the divorce. Here are a few steps that you can take as a divorced father.

Be closer to the house after divorce

When you stay close to where your kids live, you can spend more quality time with them after your divorce. There are times when certain circumstances or demands of your job may make it tough to stay close to your children. However, when you make sacrifices to stay near your kids, it can lead to a deeper bond and stability, which the kids need.

After a painful divorce, fathers may not realize or see the effect of that on his children

Children may feel devastated after their parents’ divorce and find one fine day that their family has turned upside down. Consult experts on what you should expect while your kids are trying hard to adjust to this strange and new reality of their life.

Even while at a long distance, try to stay connected with your children

You may have to stay far away due to a special employment or military assignment. Distance could cause a gap in your relationship with your little ones. There could be misunderstandings and your kids can feel neglected since they do not meet you that often.  So, you need to pick up tips for maintaining the bond even when you are far away.

Try to ensure that joint custody operates in a smooth manner

In case you are lucky because the court awarded joint custody of the children to your wife and you, you should be familiar about how to manage this crucial relationship. Although in several cases the parents had been civil to each other after their divorce, the terms of the joint custody can create problems and conflicts. Hence, you should learn how fathers like you handled the situation of joint custody in an amicable manner to make it work.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Is it Necessary to Sell Your Wedding Ring During Divorce?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation attorney; California Divorce MediatorsYour marriage has finally ended and your former spouse is no longer staying with you. Is this the time for you to dispose of your wedding ring by selling it off? Or do you want to postpone the selling process for some more time? In case your divorce is yet to be finalized, you may give some serious thoughts over considering selling your wedding ring either now or later. This is because re-purposing or selling the wedding ring may free you from your unpleasant and negative memories.

You may sell the ring due to financial reasons

Divorce can be quite an expensive process. Very few people will deny the fact that it can be a big financial burden due to costs related to the distribution of assets, legal fees, tax consequences and much more. When you are going through a great mental agony, handing such financial strains can be quite overwhelming. It is crucial to find fresh sources of income so that such a pressure can be alleviated.

In this context, it is important to note that at this juncture of your life, a precious yet least important possession will be your wedding ring as well as the engagement ring set. Since your relationship has ended, selling these rings to gather funds for meeting your divorce expenses could be a financially smart move on your part. Not only will such a step be helpful to financially improve your future, it will also enable you to sever your past ties. Selling your wedding ring need not essentially be a drawn out or tough process.

Emotional advantages of selling a wedding ring

It is not an easy job to bounce back from your broken marriage at any age. This is true for both men as well as women. After all, both the parties have to deal with varying emotions.  One may start missing his or her former spouse and wonder if the decision to split was the right one to do or not. Alternatively, you may be still full of anger and disillusionment and accuse your ex of whatever happened. Such powerful emotions related to the past can have an adverse effect on your peace of mind and health.

In order to start your life fresh after the divorce, you have to control your emotions and give yourself another opportunity to experience new and positive emotions. One way to get hold of your emotions is to dispose of your wedding ring.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

The 4 Different Ways of Getting a Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsAre you planning to get divorced but do not know how to initiate the process? There is a common misconception that a divorce process is always a lengthy and complicated one, which may not be necessarily true. Here are some of the ways to get a divorce.

DIY divorce

It is possible that both you and your husband/wife have sorted out all the parenting, tax and financial issues already. So, you have time at your disposal to go through those detailed guidelines, draft and file documents in the court. A majority of the bar associations or states sell handbooks that are handy for filing the paperwork or a do-it-yourself divorce. Alternatively, one can also browse through the website of a state on uncontested divorces to get a hang of the things. Usually, it takes about two weeks to complete the documentation and procures notarized signatures. However, you need to wait for the court’s final divorce decree that may take anywhere between a fortnight to about six months based on the time taken by your court.

Mediated divorce

It is highly possible that both you and your partner failed to resolve the parenting, financial and tax-related issues.  However, if both of you can still be together in one too then a mediator with a neutral approach can guide both of you on the issues that could eventually sort out your differences. The basic aim of a neutral mediation is to assist you and your spouse to arrive at a settlement without the court’s intervention. It is not necessary that a mediator has to be an attorney.  However, if the mediator is one, the person can get all the legal documents ready and then file them in the court on your behalf. While mediation is a voluntary act, it becomes binding after an agreement is signed. The speed of a mediated divorce is reasonably fast and can be usually arrived within three months.

On-line DIY divorce

It is quite similar to a DIY divorce but the difference is that you need not procure blank court papers. Rather, the online program will ask you certain questions and you need to key in your responses. Thus the software program does the paperwork on your behalf. You just need to take a printout of the final documents and notarize them before filing in the court. It takes less time than a DIY divorce as the paperwork is simplified due to the online program.

Litigated divorce

Both the parties hire their respective attorneys who will represent them while the divorce proceedings are on.  It can be a time-consuming and costly procedure.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and why mediation is the best of these options for divorce, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Should You Behave While Legally Separated?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsA legal separation is all about the end of one stage in a life and starting a new stage similar to a divorce. It also means creating a new space for you and to try to rejuvenate yourself emotionally and spiritually. Irrespective of your legal separation leasing to a divorce or not, your behavior during the period of separation should be such that you can get the most in whatever you could be doing. Like mentioned earlier, when you and your spouse live separately, you get the much-needed space to resolve your marital concerns, have a check on your emotions and feelings and perhaps start fresh, other alone or in the marriage once again. When you behave civilly towards your spouse during this crucial period, Your motives for separating are bound to be successful. Here are some of those behaviors that can definitely work for you while you live separately from your spouse.

Try to develop and keep a close bond with your kids

When you have kids from your marriage, have a proper parenting plan in place so that they get to spend ample time with both you and the other parent. Your kids’ lives should not get disrupted because of the break-up of your marriage. You should communicate with your children regularly, show your involvement in their daily activities and try to find out about their progress in school Follow a regular schedule for visiting them. After all, your kids should be your key priority always. Though you could be suffering emotionally due to the disharmony in your marriage, make sure to hide it while you interact with your kids.

You should be respectful and courteous to your spouse

Your lines of communication should be always open even though both of you are living separately.  Though you could be furious, handle your emotions in such a manner that you can be civil to your spouse. When both of you are respectful towards each other and communicate well, life will be less stressful for the kids, your spouse and of course for you.

Adhere to the responsibilities that have been outlined in your legal separation document

When certain promises were made by you and subsequently added in the agreement, you should have both moral as well as legal obligations to follow that agreement. When you fail to do that, you may end up being on the court and can even alienate your kids due to your rude behavior. Try to adhere to the support obligations made by you, visitation schedules and all other matters mentioned in the legal separation document. When you fail to do so, your position may become weak if you go to the divorce court later on.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation