These Are The Emotional Phases of Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsNo two people react the same way to their divorce. However, there are certain emotional phases everyone goes through while experiencing their divorce.

There are certain phases that could be as painful as the feeling when a dear one passes away. When you know what to expect, it becomes easier for you to sail through these phases. However, the negative feelings may still be within you. You will also find that done phases are easier to move through as compared to the others.

  1. Refusing to believe

You may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that the divorce is happening to you. In fact, you are not ready to accept the end of your relationship and frantically struggle to find out answers to your marital problems. And you still spend your time convinced that when you do or say the right thing, there is a possibility of the return of your spouse. You are convinced that your divorce cannot be a solution for the marital problems both of you are going through.

  1. Surprise and shock

Emotions like numbness, fury, panic or feeling that you are becoming crazy are normal in this phase. There is a swing between a hope that your marriage can still be restored and sadness that all is over in your marriage. You will feel it impossible to handle these feelings. Moreover, there are certain fears you start experiencing while thinking about the future all alone. Questions like whether you will find love again or not and how to survive after your divorce will start haunting you.

  1. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions

It feels difficult for you to settle your thoughts and emotions. At one moment you see a gleam of hope in your life but the next moment you feel agony and despair. This is a phase where you also try to introspection what exactly happened. When you can understand and appreciate that, your pain will ebb and everything will start making sense once again.

  1. Negotiating

In this phase, you may still cling to the hope that a restoration of your marriage is not entirely impossible. You are willing and flexible to alter things in yourself or do anything if it will make your spouse return home.

  1. Letting go

This is a phase where you eventually realize that your marriage has ended. You cannot say nor do anything to alter that.

  1. Accepting facts

Your obsessive thoughts have stopped bothering you in this phase. You no longer feel the urge to restore your marriage and start feeling that you can have a fulfilling and new life before you.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Long Should Single Mothers Wait Before They Start Dating Again?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediator attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsGetting back on track after a divorce is no easy task. After going through emotional upheavals, restoring back the spark which you once had during your marriage or before it can take time. One of the things that must have crossed your mind after a divorce is “should I date again?”. Well you should if you feel like it but like everything else there is a proper time. But it really depends upon you.

As a single mother, your correct time to date also depends a lot upon your child. That is one of the challenges of being a single mother when you want to start a fresh relationship.

Finding the right time

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been divorced for one month or one year. It’s your choice when you want to date. It’s very hard to tell when you’ll become ready to go out on a date again. As a single mother, most of your free time might be spent in looking after your children.

One of the things that you can try to do is make time for yourself by going out with your friends. Initially leaving your kids behind while you’re out partying might make you feel guilty but slowly you’ll realize that it’s not a bad thing really. When you’ve become habituated to going out without your kids, you can try and meet new men.

Tell your kids about it

Honestly, your waiting period is directly linked to your children coping up with your new way of life. When kids are involved, you need to think from their perspective. Kids show a variety of emotions and sometimes it’s very hard to gauge what might be feeling. And since their mom is concerned, the feelings might be more intense.

Consider legal problems

It’s a good idea to consider any legal difficulties that might be present when you start dating someone. In California, divorces usually don’t last for more than six months but in some cases, it might last up to two years. Now you definitely don’t want to wait for two years before you start dating. But then again, you don’t want to get caught up in legal problems either. The best thing would be to maintain an amicable relationship with your husband and let him know that you are considering going into a new relationship.

Conclusion

As far as dating is concerned, single mothers can find it difficult to decide when to start dating again. As a mother, you should give more priority to your child and then to yourself. When both things work out fine, you’ll know the right time to date.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How To Create An Amicable Relationship With Your Ex After A Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsIt is no hidden fact that divorces happen because the relationship that was once pure and strong between two individuals becomes bad. And it’s also true that individuals who get divorced don’t like keeping in touch with their ex unless a child or business is involved. But it’s also true that some people maintain an amicable relationship with their ex-spouse. So how do they do it? Here are some ways how.

Embrace the change and start afresh

Most individuals don’t take divorces well and show signs of psychological problems. But there are some who see it as a change. They take their divorces positively and start afresh. For them, it’s a new beginning and a part of their change is keeping good relations with their ex. If you’re trying to be one such individual, then remember to accept your feelings and embrace the change that life has to offer you. When you were married, you had responsibilities and certain things were expected from you but since you’ve got divorced, you don’t have any inhibitions. You have the freedom of living the way you want to. A new lifestyle will help you reflect on the problems you faced during your marriage and it will, in turn, help you build a better relationship with your ex.

Establish boundaries which you couldn’t do during marriage

After a divorce, it becomes easy to set up physical and emotional boundaries which wasn’t possible during a marriage. Having boundaries allows you to determine the type of communication you want to keep with your ex. You also have the freedom of avoiding discussions which might upset the either of you. Boundaries help build respect and your ex. will notice it too.

Create a new routine

Now you have the time to re-structure your life and create a routine that suits you. Creating a routine will help you avoid anger and frustration. It will also make your ex. realize that you have moved on with your life. This again creates respect and it becomes easy to maintain a good relationship.

Conclusion

Most individuals find post-divorce relationships hard to maintain but there are ways in which you can make it better. Accept your divorce as a new change and embrace it. Create a routine for yourself and follow it. Also, establish certain boundaries and let your ex. know about it. Your ex. will develop a sense of respect for you and your relationship will become more amicable.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Helping Children Adjust to Two Homes After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation; California Divorce MediatorsWhile children are the most affected party in any divorced family, a major challenge for them is to adjust residing in two different homes after their parents go separate ways, Although, a kid may be visiting one of the parents only for some hours on a weekly basis, he or she should feel comfortable in their non-custodial house. A cordial arrangement will help in bridging the relationship with the other parent who does not have custody rights and will also help the kid to realize that though their parents got divorced from one another, they are still loved the same way.

When children of divorced parents feel like they belong at the homes of both their parents, it creates a healthy and smooth transition for them. Irrespective of their age-group, issues like abandonment and rejection matter to the kids a lot though many of them cannot express them properly through words. There are several kids who love to stay in both their homes since their parents shower them with attention and love.

The following are some of those ways that can help kids to adjust to living in two different homes.

A primary home should be designated for the children

Though kids of divorced parents may spend time in both parents’ homes, they should recognize only one of the houses as their “primary home”. There could be a lot of confusion if this is not done.  After all, when there is a designated primary home, all mails and other important communications will get delivered to that place only. It will be also helpful for the kids to feel secure and anchored. Though your house is treated as a secondary home for the children, you should not feel that the time they spend with you is less important. After all, do you not feel as happy and content at your holiday home as your main home?

Allocate a separate room for your child

It is imperative for your child to have their own personal room. In case that is not possible due to space constraints, they should be given space to keep their possessions like a toy bin, shelf space or an own drawer for dresses. They should also be permitted to store their things in the allocated space. Let them arrange the things according to their wish.

Freedom of carrying things

Your children should be permitted to carry their items between both the homes without any conflict or tension between the parents. The transition can be much smoother if this is followed.

Allow your kids to personalize their space

Permit your children to decorate their space the way they want to do. In fact, even you can help them out in this endeavor. Let them pick their own sheets and allow them to hang their favorite posters on the wall. Children love to personalize their space.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Why You Need to Pause and Heal Instead of Dating Right After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsThe first few months of separation can be tremendously lonely and overwhelming for most divorced individuals. And while you pass every minute of every hour every day trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life, something as simple and harmless as your spouse’s pillow or your little one’s teddy bear can lead you to uncontrollable fits of crying.

While you might be tempted to find a shoulder to cry on and a new somebody to support you in your weak moments, the period right after a divorce is not really a suitable time to start dating again. Here is a list of a few basic reasons why you need to take a break from relationships and heal yourself after a divorce.

To determine your identity outside of others

When was the last time you actually put your needs and desires ahead of your partner and kids? A marriage often dissolves one’s personal identity and molds the couple into one, where their sole motive is to have a happy and peaceful life together. However, now that you are divorced, it is the right time to take some time off and breathe as a liberated woman/man instead of hinging your values on your role in someone else’s life.

To follow the natural course of grief

You cannot expect to lay the foundation of a new relationship on the tremendous emotional baggage that you are schlepping on your back. Just having recovered from a grave emotional trauma, you need to grieve your loss and get it out of your system. Instead of being ashamed of your feelings, you must cry your heart out in order to move forward to another relationship.

To determine the kind of qualities you need in your future partner

You know that your previous relationship did not work out and you do not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. When you stay single for an adequate amount of time after a divorce, you get the opportunity to reflect on the past and analyze the red flags in your previous partner’s personality that pushed you into this. Instead of attaching yourself to the first man/woman you meet, try to have casual meetings and explore their company to determine whether they have exactly the qualities that you are looking for in a potential partner.

To minimize the burden of your sorrow on your future partner

You obviously wouldn’t want to crush your new potential partner with the ugly details of your divorce. After all, it is not his/her fault that you are no longer with your spouse. It is always better to give yourself a little time to introspect and deal with your unresolved emotional issues all by yourself.

You must understand that healing takes time. And only when you have overcome your grief will you be able to truly find peace and contentment in a new relationship.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How to Save Money After Your Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation orange county; California Divorce MediatorsWhile you are still trying to come out of the ramifications of your divorce, having a proper strategy for saving and budgeting may not be a top priority for you. However, the truth is that henceforth you alone will be responsible for protecting your future as far as the financial matters are concerned. Additionally, when you have some savings, you can enjoy a safety net for any type of unexpected expenses, which may come up frequently.

Start saving money once you are single again

The way marriage brings a big transformation in your life, there is a similar impact after your marriage is dissolved as well. It will take some time and adjustments on your part to start staying alone after living together as a couple for many years. The way you start managing your savings and finances after your divorce will have a big role in the coming months resulting in either financial security or days of struggle and poverty. If you act sensibly, you will not be short of funds, else you may experience a shortage of funds in the future years. Check out these easy tips that can help you to get started.

You should pay yourself at the earliest

While it is not as easy as it appears, it is crucial to develop a saving habit as soon as possible. It is tough to save when one has limited resources but not an impossible thing to do. Try to put aside a fixed sum of money in your savings account every time you receive your payment. It can create a safety cushion, which you can use in times of emergency.

Think and execute a saving strategy

It is not mandatory for you to be a financial expert in order to develop your saving strategy so that you can build up a nest egg for yourself.  However, you need to understand and know the fundamentals. Check with your human resource department what kind of retirement plans are provided by your company to make sure that you do not miss out on a great chance to save for your retirement.

Self-education is of prime importance

It has been often observed that in a majority of households, cutting across geographical boundaries, one spouse has got a greater sense of managing finances for the family like bill paying and budgeting. Were you that person who was taking care of the finance part while being married? In case the answer is affirmative, you may already have a strong grip over how to run the household. But, in case, you were not that person, you need to now focus on how to develop as well as follow the budget.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

What To Consider About Kids and Finances After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsThere are many people who go all numb when their divorce proceeding is underway. The reason for such an emotional state is because it could be too much to go through all sorts of chaos and painful feelings as the harsh reality is there for them.  However, things can be even more complicated where kids are involved in a divorce. Firstly, there is this emotional trauma. Above that, there is the important concern of money.

Breaking up is quite simple and straightforward for all those divorcing couples do not have kids from their marriages. If you fall into that category, simply divide your and your spouse’s assets and start life afresh after your divorce comes through. On the other hand, divorcing couples with children face a more complicated problem and if they are younger, things could be even trickier. In a nutshell, child support could be quite a complicated area.

Costs of child support

The cost of child support may be paid to either the mother or father. It actually depends on who is taking care if the kids. A parent who pays the maintenance cost can often be the “non-custodial parent.” In a majority of these cases, it is the father or the ex-husband, who plays this role or pays the maintenance costs.

The family house

One of the most important priorities for the divorcing couple is to ensure that the kids should continue having a proper home for them even after the finalization of the divorce. There are several such occasions where it has been observed that the ex-husbands have a tendency to sell if the house and go away with 50 percent of its value but it does not have to be so necessarily.  When too many assets are not there to split, assuming the wife is the primary career and the kids are usually permitted to continue staying in the same home. In case either of the partners behind a new relationship; matters could be even more complicated. When the mother gets married again or brings in a new partner, there are no alterations in the obligations of the father as he has to keep beating the maintenance costs as he was doing previously. However, he is no longer obliged to pay for the maintenance of his former wife any longer in case she cohabits in some cases or remarries.

However, if the father starts cohabiting with a new partner and the latter has kids from an earlier relationship but now live with them, he could be paying less money for child maintenance to his own biological children.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Taking Steps Towards A New Life After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsA divorce can actually be a life-shattering experience for many people. But you just cannot be down and remain submerged in your agony. Check out the following steps to revive and lead a new life once the divorce proceedings are over.

You should realize that there is no need to go through this pain all alone

It can be quite a scary position to reach out for help and can be somewhat uncomfortable, moreover sharing your darkest and most-guarded secrets with a person you do not know well on matters related to your feelings and thought processes can be a tough proposition. But, if you find somebody trustworthy to talk to, you will start feeling much better. When you find that special helping hand, you can share your pains, find a shoulder to cry and finally get healed. And that is precisely the time when you start growing and feel that your comfort zone is also growing in the positive direction.  You create a safe place to share your miserable experiences with that person and with time feel much better than before.

Remind yourself that there was a time when you coped up bigger issues comfortably

There are times when everyone requires a reminder about phases in their lives when they had stayed outside their comfort zones before. You should realize that the emotional upheavals that you are going through will also become a thing of the past. So, it is always recommended to think back at all those times when you were courageous and in complete control, did not shirk taking up a risk and enjoy the benefits of your success. Do you remember how you felt at those times? Try to remember that feeling and note it down in detail? These could include who gave you company, what you were up to, what you said and even the kind of outfits you wore and your exact feelings when you got success. You can come out of your comfort zone once again once you revert to that feeling of positive energy and exhilaration. Since you have succeeded in the past, you can definitely do it once more.

Take small steps at a time till the time you are completely sure

Take small and cautious steps before you plunge into bigger things, especially when you are trying to do something that you are not much comfortable with. Taking corrective measures are easier when you take baby steps.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation