How To Befriend Your Ex-Spouse After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsA divorce isn’t always the ‘be all and end all’ of a relationship. A relationship can be defined in many different ways. A divorce ends a legal marriage. It takes a little time to get over the relationship. But you wouldn’t always want to cut contact with the person you married. Sometimes you still want to remain in touch. Your partner has been a big part of your life and you don’t want to lose that.

Staying in touch for divorced couples who have shared custody of their children is inevitable. In such circumstances, being cordial and developing a friendly relationship for the benefit of the child is vital. To help you with the process, listed below are a few tips you can employ in your relationship to ensure your transition from a spouse to a friend seamlessly.

Accept and forgive

Changing your relationship status from spouse to friend is difficult. It comes with a host of insecurities and unresolved issues. The foremost task at hand is to accept your ex for the person he/she is and forgive him/her for his/her actions. It’s important to also understand that your partner might look out for another partner or start dating. Focusing on yourself and your life is important for your personal growth and in turn your friendship with your ex.

Time to get over

Divorces can sometimes get really messy. Getting over the person you thought was your soul mate is never easy. Memories, unresolved baggage, and loneliness do tend to get to people. Take some time away from your ex. Start a new hobby or focus on work to create a distraction and give you time to analyze your situation. Seek the help of a therapist and work your way around your emotions to eventually accept the divorce and come to terms with the present arrangement of the relationship. Consult with your Orange County divorce attorney or mediator if you want to make any changes to the present arrangement that you think may help you to improve the relationship with your ex.

Reach out

If it means you taking the first step towards the intended friendship, then go for it. Reach out to your ex and acknowledge your friendship. Communicating each other’s points of view on the subject helps deal with the lost relationship and hones the friendship. Communication gives you a perspective and means to improve the friendship.

Keep in touch

It’s important to maintain the friendship by keeping in touch. It’s vital to hone this rapport if you are raising a kid with your ex. Ensure you keep a contact with your ex. Co-ordinating with your ex over activities, events like weddings or your child’s schedule help build this rapport. A cordial friendship respects the fallen romantic relationship by eradicating remorse or regret.

At the end of the day, your life is all about living it to the fullest. So why live with negativity and regret. Divorce may be the end of a marriage, but it could be the beginning of a valuable friendship.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Is It Wise To Date Someone Else During Your Divorce?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsHave you met someone and wanted to date him or her while you are still getting divorced? If your divorce proceeding is still going on, be cautious about dating. You may feel that it is time for you to enter into a new relationship after proceeding with a divorce or a separation. But it is a sensible decision to be out of the dating scene until the time your divorce comes through for a host of emotional, legal and strategic reasons.

Strategic reasons for not dating prior to divorce

A divorcing couple is quite likely to be not in the best of terms while a divorce is going on. So if you begin to date someone rose, it can aggravate your relationship with the estranged partner even more. Plus, the other spouse can make your life a hell while your divorce proceeding is going on and make resolution of the case more difficult. He or she may even try to take revenge against you.

Although your husband might have had several affairs while you were married, he may not like the fact that you are seeing someone else at this crucial juncture. He is likely to feel that you have wronged him and may try seeking justice through whatever means he can. It is also possible that he might try to get even with you by trying to split the marital property or get the custody of your kids. In case you have kids from the marriage, you should have an amicable relationship with your spouse in the best interest of your kids,

It is likely that you need to have a continuous contact with your spouse even after the divorce comes through due to having children together. If you date during your divorce, it can hamper the spirit of cordiality and cooperation and can even have a negative impact on your life for months to come after the divorce comes through.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Divorced Parents Can Work Together For Their Kids’ Sake

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediators in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsAre you one of those couples who have recently gone through a divorce? If you have kids from your marriage, it is natural to introspect whether divorced parents can be amicable or not. Moreover, both the parties need to put on efforts so that things work out.

So, you have recently finalized a divorce and are curious to know whether you and your ex-spouse can be good friends or not. After all, you decided to go separate ways for a strong reason. In all probability, it could be because you could. Here are some of those healthy co-parenting tips that will help in parenting much easier for both of you even after your divorce has come through.

Do not bring the past back

It is better not to do any postmortem with past issues since they may bring back certain emotions thereby stopping you both from being friends.

Take one step at a time

You should avoid being too hasty in becoming good friends with your former spouse. After all, it takes time to establish a friendship, especially after romancing him or her in the past.

Keep your chats brief

There are possibilities that when you run a conversation for a long time, you may end up saying something that may upset the other party. So make sure that your chats remain focused and you stay clear of the argument territory.

Avoid antagonizing your former spouse

You are well aware of what can cause distress to your ex-spouse. Hence, it is better to avoid bringing in any discussions that can trigger an argument.

Compromise

When you learn ways of compromising, you can agree to issues related to bringing up your kids. The same applies for the other party too. After all, time and again, decisions need to be made about your children. There will be times even you may not agree with your spouse’s idea of how to bring up your children in the best possible manner, but at times both of you need to make adjustments and be flexible got things to work out amicably for your kids. As long as there is no danger for your kids, it does not matter to compromise once in a while.

Avoid making attempts of being a single parent

Feel free to approach for your ex’s help. In fact, you will be pleasantly surprised to know that your ex-partner may be more than happy to help you out.

Have proper clarity about plans

If your kids have made plans for going somewhere, ensure that all the details are understood and clear.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Adult Children Can Cope Up With The Divorce Of Their Parents

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsMany adult children face unique and big challenges especially when there is a break up of their parents’ long-term marriage. A popular philosophy adopted by parents who divorce quite late is that that they decided to wait until their children grew up and left the house to pursue a higher education or a job. Plus, these parents feel that their adult children can handle the split better since they are older now. They are also less vulnerable, wiser and stronger.

But in reality that may not be the case always. After all no matter how old they are, children will always remain children. Children may still feel hurt when their parents decide to part ways just like they would have felt had their parents took the same decision when they were younger. The sadness will still be there but they will not get the luxury of expressing their grief always. Rather, they become the listening ears since their parents pour their tales of sufferings to them.

Check out the following strategies adult children should use to cope up with the trauma of their parents’ divorce.

Bring a shift in your perspective

Rather than grieving because you are bearing the wrath of your mother’s fury and disillusionment, simply keep reminding yourself that you are facing a temporary situation. Your parents will once again become “normal” after things get slightly settled. Although it could even take some years, the situation will not be bleak forever. Meanwhile, you have your own independent life to lead. So, concentrate on developing your own life.

Try to realize that the caustic behavior from your parents is not usual in a divorce as family dynamics may change

You need to understand that you are not the only adult child who is going through this transitional phase. Such things happen quite frequently since others like you have also got annoyed with their parents. In fact, there are thousands of adult children who have gone through similar emotions when their parents divorced.

Pickup coping strategies

It is time for you to compartmentalize all those negative conversations you are exchanging with your parents at this phase of their life. Make a conscious effort to put an end to such negative and sad thoughts. When you keep thinking about it, your trauma will only increase. So address it carefully and logically to come out of your current mental state. Find out space and time to engage yourself in what you are fond of doing. Go out for a stroll, listen to your favorite band, read books, travel to new places or spend more time with your close friends. Such activities will distract your mind from the negative thoughts.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Common Co-Parenting Issues after Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediators in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsIf parents are able to co-parent in a civil manner, children can be relaxed and normal even after their parent’s divorce. Though you may love your kids the most, there could be certain scenarios where it is tough to give a preference to their best interests over the fury and disillusionment you feel towards your former spouse or over the divorce. Your children will be able to cope up well with your divorce when you and your former husband or wife can co-parent in a matured manner after the divorce has been finalized. There is a tendency in many married couples to follow the lead of each other as far as the matter of parenting is concerned. While your marriage may have come to an end and your former spouse may not be important to you anymore, you may still have to parent together for the best interests of your children. Check out some of the common co-parenting issues that may divorce couple face before them:

You are worried about your kid when he or she is in the custody of the other parent

If your ex-husband or wife does not have a background of abusing the kids or you, you should not feel scared or apprehensive about what is happening when the children are in their custody There are moms who demand a detailed schedule of each and every move that will be made by their child when they are in their father’s custody.

Both of you have distinct parenting styles

A father can be laid back while it is an issue of parenting at times. When the children are at his place, kids are not taking a bath every day, going to bed late and are not doing their homework regularly. Moreover, they are having junk food almost every other day. On the other hand, at times the mom is too strict with the daily routines and kids are feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the discipline. It could be possible that both the mother and the father are adamant that their parenting style is better than their partner.

Your former spouse use your kids to hurt you

The kids should not be used as pawns by one parent against the other. Though it may sound surprising, it can happen on several occasions. When you realize that your children want to spend more time with the father but you refuse to let them do so, you are not thinking about your kids but want to hurt the father by resisting to your children’s desires.

To learn more about the Orange County divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

All about “Conscious Uncoupling” from your spouse

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorney Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsFor many of you, “conscious uncoupling” may sound like like a made-up and new-age term that is often used to make it sound as if the couples today can be much more mature than they used to be previously. But the concept of conscious uncoupling has been around for some time now.

Conscious uncoupling is a methodology to come out of a relationship, which concentrates on assuming responsibility and self-reflection instead of fury and blame game. It is a process to grow and learn instead of being destructive and hurtful. Though both the parties can follow this process, even a single person can do it in case the other party is not cooperative.

It was way back in 1986, when sociologist and renowned author Diane Vaughn disclosed the term “uncoupling” in her book titled “Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships.” Thereafter, thus term was further popularized by Katherine Woodrow Thomas, therapist, and author in 2011. She referred to this term in her work called “Calling in The One.” She followed the concept of “conscious uncoupling” with seminars and training.

Defining conscious uncoupling

Coming out of a close relationship can be really miserable. For many, the pain can be unbearable as well as overwhelming. Many people take a long time to heal properly after the break-ups. Conscious uncoupling aims to lower the trauma and ago y for all the parties involved; your children, your partner and of course you.

Thomas feels that couples usually commit three fundamental relationship mistakes that are mentioned below:

  • Begin hating and despising the person they once loved and adored.
  • Fails to accept responsibility and accountability for the failure of a relationship
  • Thinking that time can heal all sounds without giving any kind of efforts.

When these relationship mistakes are committed by the couples, they become the cause of the trauma and misery during as well as after break-up. She has also designed her online course to help the couples not to commit the above-mentioned mistakes or try to fix them if they have been already committed.

Outcomes of conscious uncoupling

  • Figure out the different ways you have given your power in relationships and taking it back.
  • Learn to emotionally support yourself by discarding emotions such as self-blame and shame.
  • Heal your hurts and sense of betrayal through past experiences like the relationship you had with parents or relationships you had in the past.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Ways To Be Happy Even During Divorce Proceedings

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsA divorce can be a catastrophic experience, so being happy while the divorce proceeding is going on may seem a paradox. After all, isn’t a divorce associated with heartbreak, anguish, fear, anger, and confusion? But, it is in your hand to control your negative emotions during this critical juncture of your life and nurture positive emotions within you.

Even when a divorce can be an intensely emotional process, it will do you good to go through a different set of emotions. It will give you the much-needed relief from sadness when you experience a loss of any kind in your life. A sure-shot technique to come out of your grief is to keep your body in motion. You can try out any kind of physical activity including riding in a swing in your nearby park. In fact, you can get the much-needed relief while taking a break from certain emotions in a conscious manner.

Ways of being happy even during stressful time 

  • Spend some time on a trail hiking

Give yourself time to take a long walk in the midst of nature or enjoy hiking with your friends. When you are in close contact with the earth, it empowers you with several qualities such as beauty, time, and certainty. All these qualities can be a big support for you when you are experiencing a deep sense of loss, particularly during your divorce. It is also important to keep an eye on your footing as well as observe the nature and scenic beauty around you. Such an act will definitely succeed in distracting your mind. It will lead to the reduction of stress and lift up your spirits.

  • Indulge yourself with some strength exercises regularly

If you brood too much during your divorce and be sad every day, it is difficult for your body to retain the ability to engage and contract muscles and strength. So, it is essential for you to take out some time and do some weight lifting, push-ups, and squats; in fact, any kind of physical activity to experience your outer and inner strength.

  • Be playful and happy go lucky

If you make it a habit to move in playful and natural ways, your heart can open up and your spirit will be lifted too. If you do not wish to use a swing in the nearby park, find out what activity can make you feel playful and relaxed. Once you find it, just do it. On certain occasions, you may go on a hiking expedition and yet the sadness is still within you. When you are playful though your heart is heavy, it can open the floodgate for a variety of emotions.

With passing time, you will realize that your sadness will also decrease. Precious moments such as being on a swing or in the midst of nature will be helpful in ebbing your sad energy.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Understanding The 3 Stages of Divorce Grief

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsIrrespective of how you look at divorce, it is definitely a catastrophic event in one’s life. The emotion a spouse may go through is quite similar to the loss of a loved one or a severe illness. But despite that, it is imperative to learn ways of coping up with divorce grief and move on with life and have new goals and milestones for future instead of brooding on the past. Check out the following stages of divorce grief and how to handle them in your own way. Incidentally, these steps are similar to the ones a person should take to come out of the pain of losing a loved one.

Stage 1: Denial

The first thought that might have come to your mind when you hear your spouse wants a divorce is that how could he or she do it to you or this cannot be happening to you both. It is a phase in your life where the situation appears so grim and intense. As such, it becomes difficult for many to accept the news to be real. Such a mechanism of emotional survival may prevent one to get too overwhelmed while they are still unprepared to handle the current situation. But slowly, a spouse starts relaxing and accepting the bitter reality. He or she comes out of the fog of being in a denial mode and is capable to visualize situations in a realistic manner.

Stage 2: Fury

When your spouse confesses that he or she wants to split, you may go mad with fury. How could your spouse throw your marriage like this? And why should it be happening only to you? These are some of the questions that keep haunting you when anger overcomes all your other emotions. You start feeling the intense pain that now appears to be so real for you. If you have invested a lot in your marriage emotionally and have been extremely attached to your spouse until now, the pain and the hurt you are going through will be even deeper. Your fury may get diverted toward anyone who reminds you of the pain knowingly or unknowingly. While your ex may be at the receiving end of your fury, anyone else near you may also bead your wrath. You may even start snapping at your close friends and well-wishers.

Stage 3: Reflection 

It is a stage where you start introspecting and retrospection about your married life. You may feel that the divorce could have been averted had you been more affectionate and caring towards your spouse. You may even wish that you could make things right if you get one more chance. It is not unusual to find yourself blaming for certain things which you did.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips for Single Divorced Moms

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsAre you a single divorced mom? There is a high possibility of dealing with the process of healing your pain as a result of your murky divorce. Moreover, you also had to take up the added responsibility of taking care of your children mostly not only that, you need to arrange for meals for your family, deal with your former husband who could be irrational at times and have a roof over the head of your family. At the same time, it is natural that you want to move on with life and want to date a new man and gave a fulfilling future. Life is full of new challenges for you and you need to face then to put back your traumatic past and lead a rewarding and rich new life. Follow some of the tips mentioned below to do so.

Make conscious efforts to eliminate the trauma related to your divorce

As they say, time is the biggest healer. While you may have gone through a lot, do not keep thinking about your past. Look out for exciting activities that can keep you engaged. Instead of being stuck with old pain, start dating and going out with friends with whom you share common interests.

Do not depend solely on alimony and child support for your financial needs

You should stop thinking of alimony or child support as your income. After all, the money that is coming to you in the form of child support is only temporary.  In a majority of cases, even alimony too is a temporary inflow of cash. You need to establish your financial position so that there is no difficulty in your survival when these today checks do not come to you anymore. It is crucial that you make a proper investment in yourself to get a sound return in the future. It may be possible that you possess a degree but are not employed. You can call up a local university or college and inquire about classes, which will enable you to refresh some of the skills or get certified so that your marketability in the job market goes up. You can get in touch with the financial aid office and procure student loans to pay for these courses when you attend them.  Be confident about your talents and skills that you believe are marketable and contemplate starting your own business.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how Orange County divorce mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.

3 Tips on Effective Co-Parenting After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Top Orange County Divorce Mediators; California Divorce MediatorsIt is not easy to be a co-parent, especially after you have split from your spouse and your relationship with your former partner is strained. You may have apprehensions about the parenting abilities of your ex-spouse, worried about your child support or stressed about some issues. You could also be tired of the ongoing conflict and feel that all that animosity between you and ex-partner will never disappear.

However, when you co-parent in an amicable manner with your former spouse, you can provide security, the close relationship with your kids with both their parents and stability that they require. It is for the well-being of your children that there will be a possibility to overcome the challenges associated with co-parenting and build up a cordial and working association with your ex-spouse. These tips will help you to resolve conflicts on contentious issues, be consistent and remain calm so that the custody and parenting schedule with your ex-spouse works well and your children feel secure and happy.

Tip 1: Keep your anger and animosity aside

If you want to enjoy a fruitful co-parenting experience, you need to have a check on your emotions. This means that you should keep your hurt, resentment, and anger at bay for fulfilling the needs of your kids. It is true that keeping such emotions at a distance could be the toughest part to work towards a good working relationship with your former husband but nevertheless, it is an extremely important one. Being successful as co-parents are opposed how you or your ex-spouse may feel about one another. Rather it is all about the future well-being, stability, and happiness of your kid. Avoid putting your kids in between. It is highly possible that you may not lose all the bitterness or anger about your divorce ever. However, the best technique will be to compartmentalize your emotions and keep telling yourself that these are your concerns but not your kid’s; you should ensure that the issues you have with your ex-are kept away from the kids.

Tip 2: Try To improve your communication with your ex

Meaningful, consistent and peaceful communication with your former partner is a must for making your co-parenting click, although they may not appear to be possible. However, everything starts with your mindset. You need to remind yourself that the peaceful communication between both of you can be highly needed for the well-being of your child. Prior to getting in touch with your ex, introspect how your discussion could affect your kid and make a resolution to conduct yourself in a dignified manner. The key point of every talk that you have with your ex should revolve around your kid. You need to also note in this context that meeting your former spouse physically may not be essential always. You can speak to him or her over the phone, exchange messages, emails or texts on a majority of the occasions.

Tip 3: You need to co-parent as a single team

Being a good parent also involves having frequent decisions with your ex-irrespective of what you feel about one another. When you communicate and cooperate with one another without bickering or hurting one another, making decisions become much easier and simpler on everyone. When both of you work together as a team, decision-making with respect to your child becomes quite easy.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how Orange County divorce mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation