Top 4 Personal Things to Do After Getting Divorced

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation; California Divorce MediatorsWhile sustaining some relationships can be a tough job, you should also remember that the relationship, which you share with your own self is the most precious one. It has been often noticed that there are many who dive into a new relationship immediately after getting their divorce. However, there are many others who feel hesitant to take such a quick plunge as their feelings and emotions are yet to get healed. Plus, the process of healing is not a brief one.

Rather than being in a hurry to find a new person in your life, here are some of the top actions you should follow to help you in redefining your outlook on love and life after the divorce.

Go out and establish a rapport with others in a similar situation

There are many occasions when you will find that someone who also recently divorced is the best person to share your sorrows, joy and concerns with. It may be so since that person can understand your agony and could have even walked in your shoes in the past. Other single mothers can before understand your predicament better.

List down your goals in life post divorce

If you are disciplined enough to prepare a detailed action list for your plans, there is a greater possibility of achieving them. So, after getting separated or divorced from your partner, sit in your new home and make a list of such items. Make them time-bound and review them periodically to assess your progress and success date. Your list can include items such as new activities you should try out, future career vision, financial plans and places you desire to visit among others. Such a list will come extremely handy to direct, prioritize and organize your life after your traumatic experience.

Undergo professional therapy 

Major events in life such as an important life changing incident, a great loss or a heartbreak may affect a person’s mental state of women and they need to undergo a healing process. Professional therapy sessions do not come cheap. Try to locate a therapist who will accept your health insurance policy. They should exhibit proper consistency with regard to your appointments under all circumstances. At times, a therapy session can be quite painful. That is because old injuries should be cleaned out prior to complete healing.

Travel all alone

At times, when a divorced person embarks upon a solo trip, he or she may start looking at their life with a fresh perspective, alone. However, if you want to enjoy a solo trip, take assistance from a reputable travel agent before leaving.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Coping With Stress During And After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Top Orange County divorce mediators; California divorce mediatorsDivorce can result in a variety of negative emotions and if you are going through one then you know the feeling. Most of the time people going through a bad divorce feel stressed from the entire experience and it ends up having a negative impact on their lives. In situation like these it is very important to relax and learn how to deal with the stress.

Contemplate your decision to get divorced

The decision to legally end a relationship can be a difficult choice and the feelings after the divorce can be worse. When you get divorced it not only affects you and your partner but it affects friends and family members as well. On the emotional front, you and some family members will face a hard time. It is important to contemplate on your decision and then taking the necessary step. You should try and talk to your partner about it and the way it makes him/her feel. If you feel there is a chance, however small, for things to work out, you should consider that option. You can even consult experts like divorce mediators for more details.

Pay attention to emotional needs

Usually, people who get divorced want to stay isolated and away from social gatherings. But being isolated makes the experience even more difficult than it already is. If you have just experienced a divorce it is important that you find support from your friends and families.

You can also seek help from people who have gone through divorce. They will understand how you feel and can guide you in a better way.

You should spend more time with people who enjoy your company and who value you. Such people can not only be your stress buster but they can also provide moral support as well. The feeling of being neglected only makes things worse and you should avoid isolation at all cost.

Take care of yourself

During and after a divorce the most important thing that you tend to ignore is yourself. Divorces can be painful but that does not mean the end of the world. Treat your divorce like a flu and try overcoming it. Go for a vacation and meet new people. Try taking a break from your job and visit different places where you always wanted to go. Moving away from the old home and relocating to a new place also works.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

What Is The Meaning Of An Emotional Divorce?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsSome spouses use a psychological phenomenon called Emotional Divorce if they feel their marriage is now a threat for their very well-being. If you opt for an Emotional Divorce from your spouse, you are actually segregating your emotions and feelings from the marriage. This is felt by some couples even before a divorce. However for other, it happens only post the divorce process, in a majority of the cases, divorce is a one-sided affair. It is a very rare phenomenon when a couple sits down and arrives at a consensus to divorce one another.  This is typically when a spouse is no longer emotionally attached to his or her marriage and wants to obtain a divorce. This spouse has already gone through the divorce emotionally and now wants to legally get unattached from their spouse.

Walk-away and left-behind spouses

There are cases when some spouses go through years of struggles as they emotionally feel distant from their spouses prior to arriving at a conclusion that divorce is the ultimate solution to all those marital problems they are going through or how they feel emotionally about the marriage, such spouses are known as “walk-away spouses”.

There could be various reasons for walk-away spouses to feel emotionally detached from their partners. The most common technique to remain emotionally detached from a marriage is when the spouse starts drawing boundaries they feel hurt or believe that the marriage is no longer safe for him or her.

When a spouse goes for an Emotional Divorce, it will be helpful in maintaining some kind of a psychological integrity whey face an emotionally disturbed situation.

Ideally, Emotional Divorce for some happens before a legal divorce as they felt that there was a strong requirement to protect and withdraw themselves from their marital problems.

A left-behind spouse is one who has to cope with his or her feelings and emotions post the legal divorce. But irrespective of the kind of role that you will be playing, it is imperative for you to handle the divorce process in a mature manner and start viewing yourself like a separate individual not as a wife or a husband.

No matter if you are the wife or the husband, emotional divorce from marriage is possible. However, this phenomenon is more prevalent in women as compared to men.

Having control over your feelings

A left behind spouse usually has a tendency to look for avenues for controlling the situation. These spouses did not see the warning symptoms, symptoms that hinted that their marriage was shaky and feel at a loss to understand how they should respond.  As such, their response becomes such that drove their walk-away spouse even further away emotionally.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Understanding The Emotional Impact of Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsDivorce happens due to a number of reasons, like lack of intimacy, infidelity and abuse. It generally occurs in multiple stages, what relationship experts term “divorce cascade”. A marriage about to end is peppered with rising conflict. Communication between the couple reaches disastrous levels before  the marriage reaches a flaming end.

Most divorces result in couples living a better life afterward. This could result in considerable adjustments. It is quite common for divorced individuals to experience psychological pressure like that they have failed in life, sadness and loneliness.

Emotional Issues

Divorce can result in distressing emotional impact. These could affect both the sexes. Recovering from a divorce involves a period of grieving. This is as the spouses know that an important relationship is lost. The relationship was once an is levels before the ma mportant part of their lives. A few people pass through multiple stages of grief, like depression, denial, bargaining and anger. Finally there is an acceptance. Do note that different people react to their loss in different ways. These stages thus do not occur in this particular order for every person.

A marriage end is specifically painful for people who did not want it or even expecting it. It becomes much more problematic when such a sense of loss is blended with tense and even hostile interactions between the divorced spouses. There could be a number of psychological effects like identity loss, depression and lowered self-esteem. A few people who suffer divorce also experience embarrassment and rejection. These may lead to withdrawal from their previous social groups. They generally finds it hard to discuss their fears and feelings, even among their best friends and people who care about them.

In a few cases, individuals who go for divorce face alienation from relatives and friends who disapprove of such a step. They thus experience social support loss in the form of loss of contact from relatives of the ex-spouse. They may also get less support from their own relatives. The result? A much smaller social network which leads to a rise in their sense of isolation.

Depression Post Divorce

Stress related to divorce may lead to depression. The latter is marked by an intense sadness, withdrawal from society, and severe feelings of worthlessness and futility. A number of depressive orders can happen. The list includes dysthymic disorder and heavy depression. A distinct sense of prolonged fatigue and loss of interest in enjoyment of activities are common.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips for Dealing with Mixed Emotions After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

mediator divorce orange county; California Divorce MediatorsOnce your divorce is finalized, you may go through mixed feelings about your former spouse. Though you may be sure that getting a divorce was the best possible solution for you, you may find that there are some days when you still miss her or him while on other days you detest them.

Are you surprised how you can still feel a fondness for your ex or the person you are soon divorcing? Do not worry as these kinds of emotions are quite normal. In fact, many divorced people are known to go through the same kind of mixed feelings. But, how would you handle these changing feelings?

Get a support team

At times, it is natural for you to need a shoulder to lean on or a sounding board during this difficult stage of your life. You should not feel embarrassed about seeking validation and support from your relatives and close friends. You can even undergo therapy sessions so that they can help you to get over your mixed emotions as well as the stress that accompanies those feelings.

Create lists

Making a list will help you to not down your reasons for getting divorced and also remember the different differences which you had. You can also list down the good points in your past relationship. There are several newly divorced individuals who are extremely glued to the bad points in their broken marriages and as such hold a grudge against their former spouses and are highly resentful about the latter. Such emotions makes it difficult to move ahead in their lives or make a new beginning.

There will be changes after the divorce

You need to realize that your divorce will bring about curious changes. These changes can be difficult to get adjusted to. There are certain occasions when many divorced individuals are highly tempted to dwell on their former relationship since it is simpler as compared to coming to terms with the prospect of rebuilding your life. Have faith in yourself so that you can deal with anything which comes your way, and reinforce your belief that your decision to divorce was right. You should not let your fear and apprehension blur your judgment.

The blame game will not solve your problems

Blaming your former spouse for what went wrong in your marriage is the easiest thing to do.  However, if you are serious about achieving success in your future relationships and life, you need to introspect on your part too for the breakup of your marriage. It is not for one partner to hold the marriage together always, and a marriage cannot end just because one person was at fault. Thus, it is imperative to use your anger in a constructive manner.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

These Are The Emotional Phases of Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsNo two people react the same way to their divorce. However, there are certain emotional phases everyone goes through while experiencing their divorce.

There are certain phases that could be as painful as the feeling when a dear one passes away. When you know what to expect, it becomes easier for you to sail through these phases. However, the negative feelings may still be within you. You will also find that done phases are easier to move through as compared to the others.

  1. Refusing to believe

You may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that the divorce is happening to you. In fact, you are not ready to accept the end of your relationship and frantically struggle to find out answers to your marital problems. And you still spend your time convinced that when you do or say the right thing, there is a possibility of the return of your spouse. You are convinced that your divorce cannot be a solution for the marital problems both of you are going through.

  1. Surprise and shock

Emotions like numbness, fury, panic or feeling that you are becoming crazy are normal in this phase. There is a swing between a hope that your marriage can still be restored and sadness that all is over in your marriage. You will feel it impossible to handle these feelings. Moreover, there are certain fears you start experiencing while thinking about the future all alone. Questions like whether you will find love again or not and how to survive after your divorce will start haunting you.

  1. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions

It feels difficult for you to settle your thoughts and emotions. At one moment you see a gleam of hope in your life but the next moment you feel agony and despair. This is a phase where you also try to introspection what exactly happened. When you can understand and appreciate that, your pain will ebb and everything will start making sense once again.

  1. Negotiating

In this phase, you may still cling to the hope that a restoration of your marriage is not entirely impossible. You are willing and flexible to alter things in yourself or do anything if it will make your spouse return home.

  1. Letting go

This is a phase where you eventually realize that your marriage has ended. You cannot say nor do anything to alter that.

  1. Accepting facts

Your obsessive thoughts have stopped bothering you in this phase. You no longer feel the urge to restore your marriage and start feeling that you can have a fulfilling and new life before you.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Top Mistakes Parents Tend to Make After Their Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsWhen a marriage ends, things can be pretty bad for the children. Some kids are asked to make peace between bickering exes while they are still lamenting over or missing a parent who moved out all of a sudden. There are other children who have to cope up with parents who are suddenly at a loss to handle daily chores such as helping them with a home task or making meals.

There are some parents who feel that once their divorce is through, most of the issues will be sorted out and they can look ahead in their lives. But, even after the divorce, the responsibilities related to parenting are a new experience every day. How successful you are as a parent will depend on how you react to situations, your empathy for the children and the decisions you need to make. Avoid making some of these top mistakes that most parents tend to make after their divorce.

Avoid treating your kid as a messenger

A majority of the parents try to communicate with their former spouses via their kids. Such a behavior can cause excessive emotional stress or trauma on them. It may also compel the children to create a situation that you will not be able to tangle as their parents. It is better to communicate with the other parent via emails, which is a great communication tool these days. Moreover, it will enable you to only focus on practical aspects of bringing up your child and not digress into negative discussions or open old wounds.

Do not grill your kids too much

Parents should regard their kid’s days away with the other parent in the same manner as if they are staying with an uncle or aunt. If you tell your children nothing at all, they can feel stressed and get a feeling of compartmentalization.  On the flip side, when you grill or bully them too much, they feel they are in the middle of both of you and become emotionally distressed. Rather, ask your child only general and fun questions so that they feel relaxed.

Try to understand your child

Your children should feel loved, appreciated, and well-understood. As it is, after they see their parents getting divorced, they could be going through an emotional turmoil. So, as a compassionate parent, you should listen to them properly and avoid instructing them to think. Although it may appear tough, avoid criticizing your former spouse. After all, you could then be indirectly criticizing your own kid who is a part of both of you.

Get help from a professional therapist

You should never commit the mistake of venting out your emotions or sharing divorce details with your little ones. Such discussion could make them more anxious rather than appreciating your mental condition. Instead, seek professional advice from a therapist.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Why You Need to Pause and Heal Instead of Dating Right After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsThe first few months of separation can be tremendously lonely and overwhelming for most divorced individuals. And while you pass every minute of every hour every day trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life, something as simple and harmless as your spouse’s pillow or your little one’s teddy bear can lead you to uncontrollable fits of crying.

While you might be tempted to find a shoulder to cry on and a new somebody to support you in your weak moments, the period right after a divorce is not really a suitable time to start dating again. Here is a list of a few basic reasons why you need to take a break from relationships and heal yourself after a divorce.

To determine your identity outside of others

When was the last time you actually put your needs and desires ahead of your partner and kids? A marriage often dissolves one’s personal identity and molds the couple into one, where their sole motive is to have a happy and peaceful life together. However, now that you are divorced, it is the right time to take some time off and breathe as a liberated woman/man instead of hinging your values on your role in someone else’s life.

To follow the natural course of grief

You cannot expect to lay the foundation of a new relationship on the tremendous emotional baggage that you are schlepping on your back. Just having recovered from a grave emotional trauma, you need to grieve your loss and get it out of your system. Instead of being ashamed of your feelings, you must cry your heart out in order to move forward to another relationship.

To determine the kind of qualities you need in your future partner

You know that your previous relationship did not work out and you do not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. When you stay single for an adequate amount of time after a divorce, you get the opportunity to reflect on the past and analyze the red flags in your previous partner’s personality that pushed you into this. Instead of attaching yourself to the first man/woman you meet, try to have casual meetings and explore their company to determine whether they have exactly the qualities that you are looking for in a potential partner.

To minimize the burden of your sorrow on your future partner

You obviously wouldn’t want to crush your new potential partner with the ugly details of your divorce. After all, it is not his/her fault that you are no longer with your spouse. It is always better to give yourself a little time to introspect and deal with your unresolved emotional issues all by yourself.

You must understand that healing takes time. And only when you have overcome your grief will you be able to truly find peace and contentment in a new relationship.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Is Separation Good For Your Marriage?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorney Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsAre you and your spouse continuously at loggerheads with one another? If that is the case, you might have started wondering whether it will be good to separate from one another or not. However, the solution is not as simple as it first appears. It will depend on various factors in your married life and the present situation both of you is dealing with.

Is it the right time to separate from your spouse?

When both you and your spouse discover that staying in each other’s company continuously is causing friction and heated arguments, separation could be a good idea  to see if you can save your marriage. In all relationships, many people tend to be extra dependent on one another and marriage is not an exception. Some people who do not have their own identity may start resenting their partners that could create major fractions in their relationships. Spending time apart from one another may help people to build up their individual identities. So, when they do decide to reunite their mind and spirit can renew the relationship.

Another scenario when separation could be good in a marriage is when one of the spouses has committed adultery while being married. Spending some time away from each other can help the spouse who was betrayed to think clearly and decide the future course of action. Moreover, staying close up the unfaithful husband or wife can cause more heartbreaks and agonies to the betrayed partner, which is not good to repair that marriage.

You find couples who are in a long distance relationship claim that such an arrangement has a rekindling effect on their relationship. Moreover, many of these couples say that it adds a new fuel to their otherwise mundane relationships. However, that does not necessarily mean you need to always move away from your spouse to generate the same kind of feelings. But, it is not a bad idea at all to separate at times briefly to bring in some passion.

Sometimes it may not be good to opt for separation in a marriage 

In any relationship, effective communication plays a key role. When you have certain concerns that you have stopped communicating with your spouse, the issues may never get resolved and your relationship can become worse. So, before you make a decision to go for a separation, you need to ensure that both you and your spouse have discussed all your issues and concerns. Take some time and speak freely about the issues that are bothering you and try to find out solutions for them. If both of you show a willingness to work towards resolving these issues, you have actually taken a positive step to save your marriage.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.

Top 5 Reasons for Couples Getting Divorced

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediators Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsMarriage is not an easy relationship. There are several cases when couples started their married life with the best intentions but ended up getting divorced. There could be various reasons for which couples get divorced. Here are some of the most common reasons for couples ending up being in divorce court.

Extra-marital affairs or adultery

According to a report published by AARP, even today, adultery plays a big role in people filing for divorce. But, reports also claim that there are several reasons that lead to a spouse getting into an extra-marital affair such as unequal sexual urges, getting distant, having different interests, resentment and fury.

Gain in weight or obesity

Though it may appear as a surprising reason, unusual weight gain by one of the spouses is also known to be a major reason why couples get divorced. A survey conducted by Men’s Health magazine reported that when one of the spouses gains a lot of weight, it can come in the way of their marital bliss. If your spouse does not attract or get turned on to your body, there could be problems like resentment and rejection, which can be marriage-threatening issues.

Monetary issues

According to a report published by the American Journal of Sociology, when a husband is unemployed, it can be a major criterion for divorce. In other words, lack of or insufficient money can cause big problems in a marriage, often leading to a divorce. If a married couple faces financial on strainers, there could be a lot of stress. This can further lead to a lack of proper communication and constant arguing. There are many couples who have different views on the others’ spending habits. Relationships may undergo lots of stress where one controls or has the finances, which often end up in a divorce.

Lack of proper communication

Often you will hear people saying that proper communication is the key to a successful marriage. Many relationship coaches opine that negative communication or lack of communication may diminish feelings of romance and love between couples. When a couple stops having effective communication, marital troubles leading to a divorce are not unusual.

Abuse

Abuse can be either a spouse being physically or emotionally abused by the other spouse. These are a common reason why many couples get divorced. Verbal or physical fighting that happens frequently between couples may make their relationship volatile and eventually end up in a divorce.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation