These Are The Emotional Phases of Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsNo two people react the same way to their divorce. However, there are certain emotional phases everyone goes through while experiencing their divorce.

There are certain phases that could be as painful as the feeling when a dear one passes away. When you know what to expect, it becomes easier for you to sail through these phases. However, the negative feelings may still be within you. You will also find that done phases are easier to move through as compared to the others.

  1. Refusing to believe

You may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that the divorce is happening to you. In fact, you are not ready to accept the end of your relationship and frantically struggle to find out answers to your marital problems. And you still spend your time convinced that when you do or say the right thing, there is a possibility of the return of your spouse. You are convinced that your divorce cannot be a solution for the marital problems both of you are going through.

  1. Surprise and shock

Emotions like numbness, fury, panic or feeling that you are becoming crazy are normal in this phase. There is a swing between a hope that your marriage can still be restored and sadness that all is over in your marriage. You will feel it impossible to handle these feelings. Moreover, there are certain fears you start experiencing while thinking about the future all alone. Questions like whether you will find love again or not and how to survive after your divorce will start haunting you.

  1. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions

It feels difficult for you to settle your thoughts and emotions. At one moment you see a gleam of hope in your life but the next moment you feel agony and despair. This is a phase where you also try to introspection what exactly happened. When you can understand and appreciate that, your pain will ebb and everything will start making sense once again.

  1. Negotiating

In this phase, you may still cling to the hope that a restoration of your marriage is not entirely impossible. You are willing and flexible to alter things in yourself or do anything if it will make your spouse return home.

  1. Letting go

This is a phase where you eventually realize that your marriage has ended. You cannot say nor do anything to alter that.

  1. Accepting facts

Your obsessive thoughts have stopped bothering you in this phase. You no longer feel the urge to restore your marriage and start feeling that you can have a fulfilling and new life before you.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Long Should Single Mothers Wait Before They Start Dating Again?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediator attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsGetting back on track after a divorce is no easy task. After going through emotional upheavals, restoring back the spark which you once had during your marriage or before it can take time. One of the things that must have crossed your mind after a divorce is “should I date again?”. Well you should if you feel like it but like everything else there is a proper time. But it really depends upon you.

As a single mother, your correct time to date also depends a lot upon your child. That is one of the challenges of being a single mother when you want to start a fresh relationship.

Finding the right time

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been divorced for one month or one year. It’s your choice when you want to date. It’s very hard to tell when you’ll become ready to go out on a date again. As a single mother, most of your free time might be spent in looking after your children.

One of the things that you can try to do is make time for yourself by going out with your friends. Initially leaving your kids behind while you’re out partying might make you feel guilty but slowly you’ll realize that it’s not a bad thing really. When you’ve become habituated to going out without your kids, you can try and meet new men.

Tell your kids about it

Honestly, your waiting period is directly linked to your children coping up with your new way of life. When kids are involved, you need to think from their perspective. Kids show a variety of emotions and sometimes it’s very hard to gauge what might be feeling. And since their mom is concerned, the feelings might be more intense.

Consider legal problems

It’s a good idea to consider any legal difficulties that might be present when you start dating someone. In California, divorces usually don’t last for more than six months but in some cases, it might last up to two years. Now you definitely don’t want to wait for two years before you start dating. But then again, you don’t want to get caught up in legal problems either. The best thing would be to maintain an amicable relationship with your husband and let him know that you are considering going into a new relationship.

Conclusion

As far as dating is concerned, single mothers can find it difficult to decide when to start dating again. As a mother, you should give more priority to your child and then to yourself. When both things work out fine, you’ll know the right time to date.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How To Create An Amicable Relationship With Your Ex After A Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsIt is no hidden fact that divorces happen because the relationship that was once pure and strong between two individuals becomes bad. And it’s also true that individuals who get divorced don’t like keeping in touch with their ex unless a child or business is involved. But it’s also true that some people maintain an amicable relationship with their ex-spouse. So how do they do it? Here are some ways how.

Embrace the change and start afresh

Most individuals don’t take divorces well and show signs of psychological problems. But there are some who see it as a change. They take their divorces positively and start afresh. For them, it’s a new beginning and a part of their change is keeping good relations with their ex. If you’re trying to be one such individual, then remember to accept your feelings and embrace the change that life has to offer you. When you were married, you had responsibilities and certain things were expected from you but since you’ve got divorced, you don’t have any inhibitions. You have the freedom of living the way you want to. A new lifestyle will help you reflect on the problems you faced during your marriage and it will, in turn, help you build a better relationship with your ex.

Establish boundaries which you couldn’t do during marriage

After a divorce, it becomes easy to set up physical and emotional boundaries which wasn’t possible during a marriage. Having boundaries allows you to determine the type of communication you want to keep with your ex. You also have the freedom of avoiding discussions which might upset the either of you. Boundaries help build respect and your ex. will notice it too.

Create a new routine

Now you have the time to re-structure your life and create a routine that suits you. Creating a routine will help you avoid anger and frustration. It will also make your ex. realize that you have moved on with your life. This again creates respect and it becomes easy to maintain a good relationship.

Conclusion

Most individuals find post-divorce relationships hard to maintain but there are ways in which you can make it better. Accept your divorce as a new change and embrace it. Create a routine for yourself and follow it. Also, establish certain boundaries and let your ex. know about it. Your ex. will develop a sense of respect for you and your relationship will become more amicable.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips On How To Let People Know You Are Filing For Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediators in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsIt can be very painful to break the news of your divorce to your family and friends. However, you need to tell them at some point or the other. So faster you do the work, it is better for you. The toughest challenge for you will be sharing this news with your kids.

Share the news of your divorce with your family members

After you have informed your kids, you need to next confide with the remaining family members that you are planning to divorce your spouse. You should share this news with your parents first. Subsequently, you can disclose it to your siblings and other family members. Do not be in a hurry to break the news to your distant family members immediately if you do not interact with them frequently. You can always let them know later on provided your other family members have already not told them about it.

Your parents

You may go through lots of emotional turmoil while breaking the divorce news to both your parents as well as to the parents of your spouse. But you should be calm and not lose your cool. Moreover, do not share all the details and avoid blaming anyone else for your current predicament.

Rest of the family members

It could be easier for you to deal with the remaining family members since their investment and contribution to your marriage is lesser and even though they could like your spouse a lot.

Confiding in your friends

Informing your friends could be as tough as informing your family members. This is particularly true when they share a great rapport with your spouse too. So, make an attempt to be at your diplomatic best so that they do not feel they should choose a side. But, you need to be more candid with your close friends as compared to your casual friends who you are not that close to.

However, you may need to share this news with your casual friends too so that they do not ask you accidentally how your husband or wife is. After all, you do not want to begin any type of awkward situation to explain your present situation.

Informing employers and colleagues

It is always recommended not to divulge or share too many personal details at your workplace. Being discreet about your personal life is always a good idea. So, just share the minimal details about your divorce at your workplace to avoid gossips or speculations, which can harm your career.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Top Mistakes Parents Tend to Make After Their Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys in Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsWhen a marriage ends, things can be pretty bad for the children. Some kids are asked to make peace between bickering exes while they are still lamenting over or missing a parent who moved out all of a sudden. There are other children who have to cope up with parents who are suddenly at a loss to handle daily chores such as helping them with a home task or making meals.

There are some parents who feel that once their divorce is through, most of the issues will be sorted out and they can look ahead in their lives. But, even after the divorce, the responsibilities related to parenting are a new experience every day. How successful you are as a parent will depend on how you react to situations, your empathy for the children and the decisions you need to make. Avoid making some of these top mistakes that most parents tend to make after their divorce.

Avoid treating your kid as a messenger

A majority of the parents try to communicate with their former spouses via their kids. Such a behavior can cause excessive emotional stress or trauma on them. It may also compel the children to create a situation that you will not be able to tangle as their parents. It is better to communicate with the other parent via emails, which is a great communication tool these days. Moreover, it will enable you to only focus on practical aspects of bringing up your child and not digress into negative discussions or open old wounds.

Do not grill your kids too much

Parents should regard their kid’s days away with the other parent in the same manner as if they are staying with an uncle or aunt. If you tell your children nothing at all, they can feel stressed and get a feeling of compartmentalization.  On the flip side, when you grill or bully them too much, they feel they are in the middle of both of you and become emotionally distressed. Rather, ask your child only general and fun questions so that they feel relaxed.

Try to understand your child

Your children should feel loved, appreciated, and well-understood. As it is, after they see their parents getting divorced, they could be going through an emotional turmoil. So, as a compassionate parent, you should listen to them properly and avoid instructing them to think. Although it may appear tough, avoid criticizing your former spouse. After all, you could then be indirectly criticizing your own kid who is a part of both of you.

Get help from a professional therapist

You should never commit the mistake of venting out your emotions or sharing divorce details with your little ones. Such discussion could make them more anxious rather than appreciating your mental condition. Instead, seek professional advice from a therapist.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Helping Children Adjust to Two Homes After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation; California Divorce MediatorsWhile children are the most affected party in any divorced family, a major challenge for them is to adjust residing in two different homes after their parents go separate ways, Although, a kid may be visiting one of the parents only for some hours on a weekly basis, he or she should feel comfortable in their non-custodial house. A cordial arrangement will help in bridging the relationship with the other parent who does not have custody rights and will also help the kid to realize that though their parents got divorced from one another, they are still loved the same way.

When children of divorced parents feel like they belong at the homes of both their parents, it creates a healthy and smooth transition for them. Irrespective of their age-group, issues like abandonment and rejection matter to the kids a lot though many of them cannot express them properly through words. There are several kids who love to stay in both their homes since their parents shower them with attention and love.

The following are some of those ways that can help kids to adjust to living in two different homes.

A primary home should be designated for the children

Though kids of divorced parents may spend time in both parents’ homes, they should recognize only one of the houses as their “primary home”. There could be a lot of confusion if this is not done.  After all, when there is a designated primary home, all mails and other important communications will get delivered to that place only. It will be also helpful for the kids to feel secure and anchored. Though your house is treated as a secondary home for the children, you should not feel that the time they spend with you is less important. After all, do you not feel as happy and content at your holiday home as your main home?

Allocate a separate room for your child

It is imperative for your child to have their own personal room. In case that is not possible due to space constraints, they should be given space to keep their possessions like a toy bin, shelf space or an own drawer for dresses. They should also be permitted to store their things in the allocated space. Let them arrange the things according to their wish.

Freedom of carrying things

Your children should be permitted to carry their items between both the homes without any conflict or tension between the parents. The transition can be much smoother if this is followed.

Allow your kids to personalize their space

Permit your children to decorate their space the way they want to do. In fact, even you can help them out in this endeavor. Let them pick their own sheets and allow them to hang their favorite posters on the wall. Children love to personalize their space.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Why You Need to Pause and Heal Instead of Dating Right After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsThe first few months of separation can be tremendously lonely and overwhelming for most divorced individuals. And while you pass every minute of every hour every day trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life, something as simple and harmless as your spouse’s pillow or your little one’s teddy bear can lead you to uncontrollable fits of crying.

While you might be tempted to find a shoulder to cry on and a new somebody to support you in your weak moments, the period right after a divorce is not really a suitable time to start dating again. Here is a list of a few basic reasons why you need to take a break from relationships and heal yourself after a divorce.

To determine your identity outside of others

When was the last time you actually put your needs and desires ahead of your partner and kids? A marriage often dissolves one’s personal identity and molds the couple into one, where their sole motive is to have a happy and peaceful life together. However, now that you are divorced, it is the right time to take some time off and breathe as a liberated woman/man instead of hinging your values on your role in someone else’s life.

To follow the natural course of grief

You cannot expect to lay the foundation of a new relationship on the tremendous emotional baggage that you are schlepping on your back. Just having recovered from a grave emotional trauma, you need to grieve your loss and get it out of your system. Instead of being ashamed of your feelings, you must cry your heart out in order to move forward to another relationship.

To determine the kind of qualities you need in your future partner

You know that your previous relationship did not work out and you do not want to repeat the same mistakes all over again. When you stay single for an adequate amount of time after a divorce, you get the opportunity to reflect on the past and analyze the red flags in your previous partner’s personality that pushed you into this. Instead of attaching yourself to the first man/woman you meet, try to have casual meetings and explore their company to determine whether they have exactly the qualities that you are looking for in a potential partner.

To minimize the burden of your sorrow on your future partner

You obviously wouldn’t want to crush your new potential partner with the ugly details of your divorce. After all, it is not his/her fault that you are no longer with your spouse. It is always better to give yourself a little time to introspect and deal with your unresolved emotional issues all by yourself.

You must understand that healing takes time. And only when you have overcome your grief will you be able to truly find peace and contentment in a new relationship.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Take These Steps to Succeed As A Divorced Dad

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsFinding yourself as a divorced father all of a sudden can be a real big challenge. It could be a shattering experience to find that you are all alone in the hours and the kids are no longer living under the same roof with you. If you want to be a successful father after your divorce, you should maintain a bonded relationship with your children though you are now divorced from your spouse.

Though divorce situations can be unique, when a father is well-aware about what to expect, he can respond in a better manner. When fathers can manage situations more effectively, they are more successful in handling issues after the divorce. Here are a few steps that you can take as a divorced father.

Be closer to the house after divorce

When you stay close to where your kids live, you can spend more quality time with them after your divorce. There are times when certain circumstances or demands of your job may make it tough to stay close to your children. However, when you make sacrifices to stay near your kids, it can lead to a deeper bond and stability, which the kids need.

After a painful divorce, fathers may not realize or see the effect of that on his children

Children may feel devastated after their parents’ divorce and find one fine day that their family has turned upside down. Consult experts on what you should expect while your kids are trying hard to adjust to this strange and new reality of their life.

Even while at a long distance, try to stay connected with your children

You may have to stay far away due to a special employment or military assignment. Distance could cause a gap in your relationship with your little ones. There could be misunderstandings and your kids can feel neglected since they do not meet you that often.  So, you need to pick up tips for maintaining the bond even when you are far away.

Try to ensure that joint custody operates in a smooth manner

In case you are lucky because the court awarded joint custody of the children to your wife and you, you should be familiar about how to manage this crucial relationship. Although in several cases the parents had been civil to each other after their divorce, the terms of the joint custody can create problems and conflicts. Hence, you should learn how fathers like you handled the situation of joint custody in an amicable manner to make it work.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How to Save Money After Your Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation orange county; California Divorce MediatorsWhile you are still trying to come out of the ramifications of your divorce, having a proper strategy for saving and budgeting may not be a top priority for you. However, the truth is that henceforth you alone will be responsible for protecting your future as far as the financial matters are concerned. Additionally, when you have some savings, you can enjoy a safety net for any type of unexpected expenses, which may come up frequently.

Start saving money once you are single again

The way marriage brings a big transformation in your life, there is a similar impact after your marriage is dissolved as well. It will take some time and adjustments on your part to start staying alone after living together as a couple for many years. The way you start managing your savings and finances after your divorce will have a big role in the coming months resulting in either financial security or days of struggle and poverty. If you act sensibly, you will not be short of funds, else you may experience a shortage of funds in the future years. Check out these easy tips that can help you to get started.

You should pay yourself at the earliest

While it is not as easy as it appears, it is crucial to develop a saving habit as soon as possible. It is tough to save when one has limited resources but not an impossible thing to do. Try to put aside a fixed sum of money in your savings account every time you receive your payment. It can create a safety cushion, which you can use in times of emergency.

Think and execute a saving strategy

It is not mandatory for you to be a financial expert in order to develop your saving strategy so that you can build up a nest egg for yourself.  However, you need to understand and know the fundamentals. Check with your human resource department what kind of retirement plans are provided by your company to make sure that you do not miss out on a great chance to save for your retirement.

Self-education is of prime importance

It has been often observed that in a majority of households, cutting across geographical boundaries, one spouse has got a greater sense of managing finances for the family like bill paying and budgeting. Were you that person who was taking care of the finance part while being married? In case the answer is affirmative, you may already have a strong grip over how to run the household. But, in case, you were not that person, you need to now focus on how to develop as well as follow the budget.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

How Should You Behave While Legally Separated?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsA legal separation is all about the end of one stage in a life and starting a new stage similar to a divorce. It also means creating a new space for you and to try to rejuvenate yourself emotionally and spiritually. Irrespective of your legal separation leasing to a divorce or not, your behavior during the period of separation should be such that you can get the most in whatever you could be doing. Like mentioned earlier, when you and your spouse live separately, you get the much-needed space to resolve your marital concerns, have a check on your emotions and feelings and perhaps start fresh, other alone or in the marriage once again. When you behave civilly towards your spouse during this crucial period, Your motives for separating are bound to be successful. Here are some of those behaviors that can definitely work for you while you live separately from your spouse.

Try to develop and keep a close bond with your kids

When you have kids from your marriage, have a proper parenting plan in place so that they get to spend ample time with both you and the other parent. Your kids’ lives should not get disrupted because of the break-up of your marriage. You should communicate with your children regularly, show your involvement in their daily activities and try to find out about their progress in school Follow a regular schedule for visiting them. After all, your kids should be your key priority always. Though you could be suffering emotionally due to the disharmony in your marriage, make sure to hide it while you interact with your kids.

You should be respectful and courteous to your spouse

Your lines of communication should be always open even though both of you are living separately.  Though you could be furious, handle your emotions in such a manner that you can be civil to your spouse. When both of you are respectful towards each other and communicate well, life will be less stressful for the kids, your spouse and of course for you.

Adhere to the responsibilities that have been outlined in your legal separation document

When certain promises were made by you and subsequently added in the agreement, you should have both moral as well as legal obligations to follow that agreement. When you fail to do that, you may end up being on the court and can even alienate your kids due to your rude behavior. Try to adhere to the support obligations made by you, visitation schedules and all other matters mentioned in the legal separation document. When you fail to do so, your position may become weak if you go to the divorce court later on.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation