3 Mistakes to Avoid While Dating After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county divorce mediation attorneys; California Divorce MediatorsAre you planning to forget your past after your divorce and start dating? However, it may not be that easy to do so especially if you had been married for several years to your former spouse. Sometimes, it could be as complicated as finding your way in a market while there is a blindfold on your eyes. When you get divorced from your partner, you could feel extremely lonely after sharing your house and life with someone for so many years. It is natural to seek companionship and feel wanted in such crucial times. But this also makes people more vulnerable and many of them tend to make certain mistakes when they start dating. Eventually, that results in more self-doubt, loneliness and another sour relationship. Many people commit these mistakes that also affect their health and they fail to find lasting love in their lives, love, and attachment when your new partner is crazily attracted to you. Here are some of those common mistakes that you might make while dating after your marriage.

Getting too attached 

It is not possible to judge how the person is on your very second or third date. Stop ignoring the flaws of that person just because you feel a deep need within yourself to get attached to a new person too soon. When you feel that there are certain key challenges in your new relationship, it makes sense not to make excuses only because you are scared of being alone. The love and devotion you feel should not be showered too easily, the new person should try to earn them and that definitely cannot happen overnight.

Not focusing on what you need NOW

Many people make the mistake of striving for instant gratification. They overlook the importance of the long-term advantages of dating a new person and tend to go for instant gratification of their current relationship needs. Moreover, if they find that those needs are not being fulfilled, they try out the same with someone else as a quick fix. When you are madly looking for a new love and want to find a perfect partner the second time around, you can get into serial dating if not careful and eventually might end up being with a wrong person in your life.

Becoming docile and submissive

When you start saying again after your divorce, make sure that you do not give away your power. This may happen when you give a higher priority to the desires and needs of the person you are dating above your own.  When you have a strong urge to fall in love once more, chances of becoming passive is not uncommon, particularly when you meet someone who you start liking.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Symptoms Your Kids Are Being Affected By Your Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

orange county custody mediation; California Divorce MediatorsDivorce triggers both kids as well as adults to make several adjustments and face tough challenges. However, there is a difference in how each child responds to their parent’s divorce. While a majority of them will handle these challenges with maturity and sensibility and grow up into well-adjusted adults, there are some kids who go through behavioral and emotional difficulties when their parents go through a divorce. And though there are differences in the long-term reaction in a child to the divorce of their parents, many kids may go through emotional distress and emotions like conflicts, confusion, guilt, fury, anxiety, and sadness in the short-term. Such emotions pop up when there is a question of loyalty towards their parents and a strong desire to spend more time with their absent parent.

When you notice the following symptoms of distress with your child, you need to take appropriate action such as taking them to a therapist so that they can overcome their emotional problems related to the divorce.

Drastic change in academic performance

Do you find your kid is showing dismal performance in the tests? Is he losing interest in his school activities? This could be a telltale sign that he is emotionally disturbed.

Refuses to spend time with his/her parent

When there is no issue of child abuse in a family and yet a kid shows an unwillingness to spend their time with the parent, it can be a symptom that the kid feels the requirement of taking sides. A child should not feel that they are forcefully put in a situation where they have to select one parent over their other.

Increase in certain type of physical complaints

When you find them complaining about their physical conditions such as stomach aches or headaches quite often, it may mean that they are going through a tough time to come up with the divorce of their parents.  Allergy, stomachaches, and headaches are some of the most common symptoms that your kid is going through an emotional distress.

Prolonged and significant change in the behavior

You have always known that your child to be extremely polite bit you may find them being inconsiderate all of a sudden when your divorce case is going on. Your outgoing, gregarious and talkative kid can express less interest in social activities and friends.

Does not show keenness to engage in family, school, athletic or social activities

This is another important symptom that your children are clinically depressed as a result of your divorce from your spouse.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

All about “Conscious Uncoupling” from your spouse

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorney Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsFor many of you, “conscious uncoupling” may sound like like a made-up and new-age term that is often used to make it sound as if the couples today can be much more mature than they used to be previously. But the concept of conscious uncoupling has been around for some time now.

Conscious uncoupling is a methodology to come out of a relationship, which concentrates on assuming responsibility and self-reflection instead of fury and blame game. It is a process to grow and learn instead of being destructive and hurtful. Though both the parties can follow this process, even a single person can do it in case the other party is not cooperative.

It was way back in 1986, when sociologist and renowned author Diane Vaughn disclosed the term “uncoupling” in her book titled “Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships.” Thereafter, thus term was further popularized by Katherine Woodrow Thomas, therapist, and author in 2011. She referred to this term in her work called “Calling in The One.” She followed the concept of “conscious uncoupling” with seminars and training.

Defining conscious uncoupling

Coming out of a close relationship can be really miserable. For many, the pain can be unbearable as well as overwhelming. Many people take a long time to heal properly after the break-ups. Conscious uncoupling aims to lower the trauma and ago y for all the parties involved; your children, your partner and of course you.

Thomas feels that couples usually commit three fundamental relationship mistakes that are mentioned below:

  • Begin hating and despising the person they once loved and adored.
  • Fails to accept responsibility and accountability for the failure of a relationship
  • Thinking that time can heal all sounds without giving any kind of efforts.

When these relationship mistakes are committed by the couples, they become the cause of the trauma and misery during as well as after break-up. She has also designed her online course to help the couples not to commit the above-mentioned mistakes or try to fix them if they have been already committed.

Outcomes of conscious uncoupling

  • Figure out the different ways you have given your power in relationships and taking it back.
  • Learn to emotionally support yourself by discarding emotions such as self-blame and shame.
  • Heal your hurts and sense of betrayal through past experiences like the relationship you had with parents or relationships you had in the past.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Reconciling With Your Ex-Spouse After Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation attorney; California Divorce MediatorsYou had tried your best in the past but you and your ex-spouse have had constant bickering and could not make your marriage best. But, then you met one another once again and now you are pleasantly surprised to find that you share the same chemistry even now.  Should you ever consider the prospect of marrying your former spouse once again? Will such relationships work?  Just with all the marriages, the reply to this question lies on what both the partners are prepared to do so that the relationship can work in the long-term.

Statistics related to restored marriages

It is somewhat surprising to note the statistics in regard to the “do-over” marriages when both the former spouses marry one another once again. According to the statistics published by Psychology Today seem to claim that about 67 percent of marriages done for the second time and 73 percent of the marriages done end in divorce. However, the figures appear to be a bit encouraging for all such people who end up remarrying their spouses.

According to the research done by Dr. Nancy Kalish, about 72 percent of the reunited couples stayed together. Her research was on its first leg in 1996 when about 1,000 respondents participated in her survey, which led to this conclusion.

Key reasons why people want to marry their former spouses once again

There are a number of reasons why ex-spouses decide to reunite once again though their marriages failed in the past. Moreover, every remarriage can involve one or multiple impetuses for revival. Here are some of the reasons people remarry their ex-spouses once again.

After they stay apart, they realize their partner’s importance

As they say often distance makes the hearts grow fonder. Many couples realize their partners’ importance in their lives only after they divorced each other. Even while they were separated, the couple did mot feel that they were disconnected from one another.

Anger may disappear after they get time for reflection

When you take some time out to ponder about your relationship, feelings may undergo changes. After some time, the negative emotions you harbored may not be as powerful and intense as they were while you were still married to your partner. You may even find that you were also responsible for the breakup of the marriage to some extent. When you learn to acknowledge that you could have handled things better then, it is a good starting point to reconcile and start cementing the relationship with your ex-spouse.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips to Keep Your Kids Out of Your Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation attorney; California Divorce MediatorsThere are many such instances when kids may find themselves trapped while their parents are getting divorced.  In majority cases, conflict precedes a divorce. When a couple is childless, they would simply divorce one another and may avoid seeing them again. However, things are different when they have children from their marriage.  In such a scenario, you may have to keep meeting your former spouse repeatedly as the spouses need to co-parent. The responsibility lies with both the parents to ensure that their co-parenting relationship does not create a stress in the kids’ lives. After all, they should not feel entangled in the midst of the conflict of their parents. The following tips will ensure that children are kept away from stressful and emotional situations.

Do not articulate your negative thoughts about the other parent in front of your kids

This is not a difficult task to accomplish. Whenever your children are with you, you should concentrate on them. Avoid being vocal about your negative thoughts on the spouse while interacting with your children. All that toxic stuff need to be compartmentalized. Simply keep them sealed and do not share them with your kids.

You should not expect your kids will not share secrets with their other parent

You should always give your ex-spouse the same kind of respect that he/she had before you divorced. While this may take some effort and acting, but you should always be courteous to the other parent for the welfare of your kids. This will, in turn, ensure that your offspring will also be respectful towards you.

Avoid discussing financial matters with your kids before or even after your divorce.

In case your divorce lawsuit seems to be an expensive affair, your kids need not know the details of it.  Moreover, if you are going through financial constraints after your divorce, you should not use your little ones to vent out your worries and apprehensions.  In case you are having financial issues while still being married, avoid discussing the matter with the kids. Do not say or discuss anything that will make your kids become concerned over your financial crisis.

You should not expect that your kids should take your side in the divorce

Do not treat your divorce as just a game where a scoreboard is being maintained and there are two teams. It is not a job of your children to act as your cheerleaders during the divorce.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please click this link to visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Top Tips to Manage Your Finances after Divorce

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys in orange countyManaging finances after your divorce are finalized is a big step in your new life. Since you have already gone through your divorce process, you know finance matters can make you highly stressful. For many people, the major cause of Rory and tension is that they will be devoid of their second household income. Moreover, there is a requirement to tighten your purse strings so that you can deal with a financially trying time. There are some others who struggle a lot post their divorce since their former spouses always handled the finance part. Here are some top tips for handling your finances post divorce.

Take a detailed stock of financial inventory

You need to ensure that you are aware of the condition of your financial standing after the divorce. It is the right time now to seek out for superior deals on the existing financial products to improve your finances or discard any product that is not performing well in the market.

Have a proper track on your expenses

When you know what and where you are do ending your money, you are moving in the right direction to keep the finances under your control. You can use a spreadsheet like an Excel or could use your mobile phone’s note application to start keeping a tag on every item that you spend. This way you can one where your money is flowing where and how you may start saving more money.

Prioritization is important

It is not unusual to start panicking about your financial position after your divorce is through. You start feeling overwhelmed with too many new developments in your new life. So, begin with what is really vital i.e. ensuring that you have enough finances to keep your children sheltered, clothed and fed properly.

Prepare a realistic budget

When you prepare a realistic budget, it will serve as a guiding force so that you can sail through the time coercion that immediately follows after a divorce without facing financial difficulties. Apart from where your money is young as discussed before, you should have a proper tab on your earnings too. So, examine your earnings and expenses to prepare a practical budget.

Update documents and accounts

Post your divorce you need to ensure that all your financial products gave the correct names mentioned in them. Such documents include your credit cards, Frank accounts, title deeds, wills and insurance policies.

You should not hesitate or feel embarrassed if you need expert advice if it is about handling your finances after your divorce. In case you feel that you require financial, legal and tax advice, simply go ahead and get the necessary consultation. However, make sure that the expert you consult is registered with the appropriate bodies.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Ways To Be Happy Even During Divorce Proceedings

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediators; California Divorce MediatorsA divorce can be a catastrophic experience, so being happy while the divorce proceeding is going on may seem a paradox. After all, isn’t a divorce associated with heartbreak, anguish, fear, anger, and confusion? But, it is in your hand to control your negative emotions during this critical juncture of your life and nurture positive emotions within you.

Even when a divorce can be an intensely emotional process, it will do you good to go through a different set of emotions. It will give you the much-needed relief from sadness when you experience a loss of any kind in your life. A sure-shot technique to come out of your grief is to keep your body in motion. You can try out any kind of physical activity including riding in a swing in your nearby park. In fact, you can get the much-needed relief while taking a break from certain emotions in a conscious manner.

Ways of being happy even during stressful time 

  • Spend some time on a trail hiking

Give yourself time to take a long walk in the midst of nature or enjoy hiking with your friends. When you are in close contact with the earth, it empowers you with several qualities such as beauty, time, and certainty. All these qualities can be a big support for you when you are experiencing a deep sense of loss, particularly during your divorce. It is also important to keep an eye on your footing as well as observe the nature and scenic beauty around you. Such an act will definitely succeed in distracting your mind. It will lead to the reduction of stress and lift up your spirits.

  • Indulge yourself with some strength exercises regularly

If you brood too much during your divorce and be sad every day, it is difficult for your body to retain the ability to engage and contract muscles and strength. So, it is essential for you to take out some time and do some weight lifting, push-ups, and squats; in fact, any kind of physical activity to experience your outer and inner strength.

  • Be playful and happy go lucky

If you make it a habit to move in playful and natural ways, your heart can open up and your spirit will be lifted too. If you do not wish to use a swing in the nearby park, find out what activity can make you feel playful and relaxed. Once you find it, just do it. On certain occasions, you may go on a hiking expedition and yet the sadness is still within you. When you are playful though your heart is heavy, it can open the floodgate for a variety of emotions.

With passing time, you will realize that your sadness will also decrease. Precious moments such as being on a swing or in the midst of nature will be helpful in ebbing your sad energy.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Understanding The 3 Stages of Divorce Grief

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Orange County divorce mediation lawyers; California Divorce MediatorsIrrespective of how you look at divorce, it is definitely a catastrophic event in one’s life. The emotion a spouse may go through is quite similar to the loss of a loved one or a severe illness. But despite that, it is imperative to learn ways of coping up with divorce grief and move on with life and have new goals and milestones for future instead of brooding on the past. Check out the following stages of divorce grief and how to handle them in your own way. Incidentally, these steps are similar to the ones a person should take to come out of the pain of losing a loved one.

Stage 1: Denial

The first thought that might have come to your mind when you hear your spouse wants a divorce is that how could he or she do it to you or this cannot be happening to you both. It is a phase in your life where the situation appears so grim and intense. As such, it becomes difficult for many to accept the news to be real. Such a mechanism of emotional survival may prevent one to get too overwhelmed while they are still unprepared to handle the current situation. But slowly, a spouse starts relaxing and accepting the bitter reality. He or she comes out of the fog of being in a denial mode and is capable to visualize situations in a realistic manner.

Stage 2: Fury

When your spouse confesses that he or she wants to split, you may go mad with fury. How could your spouse throw your marriage like this? And why should it be happening only to you? These are some of the questions that keep haunting you when anger overcomes all your other emotions. You start feeling the intense pain that now appears to be so real for you. If you have invested a lot in your marriage emotionally and have been extremely attached to your spouse until now, the pain and the hurt you are going through will be even deeper. Your fury may get diverted toward anyone who reminds you of the pain knowingly or unknowingly. While your ex may be at the receiving end of your fury, anyone else near you may also bead your wrath. You may even start snapping at your close friends and well-wishers.

Stage 3: Reflection 

It is a stage where you start introspecting and retrospection about your married life. You may feel that the divorce could have been averted had you been more affectionate and caring towards your spouse. You may even wish that you could make things right if you get one more chance. It is not unusual to find yourself blaming for certain things which you did.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Can A Separation From Your Spouse Save Your Marriage?

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

Divorce mediation attorney Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsDo you feel that your marriage is in a crisis? If it is so then you may be in a dilemma about what to do next. There is a possibility that you have not left any stones unturned to salvage your marriage starting from undergoing joint therapy sessions to dating one another once again. However, things seemed to have got even worse. In case you are at the rope’ end, your marriage could still be saved by opting for a trial separation. Although. It may not be intuitive to keep both of you together, in some cases, separations have proved to be useful for those couples who are going through a rough patch and have managed to bind them together.

Steps for Trying A Trial Separation

Spending some time away from your spouse

For several months, you and your spouse have been bickering against each other and arguing heavily. Perhaps, you need to show a little fondness toward each other now. If you and your spouse are away from each other, getting away from the daily grind becomes simpler and regular fights may also subside for the better. You can get time to retrospect at a lot of things, which you could have missed out when you were together. It is usual for everyone to need a little space on certain occasions. If there has been trouble in your marriage for some time, it is not possible to see something nice about your partner at all. However, separation can give you an opportunity to get away from them. It can also serve as a reminder of your love for one another.

Realize that you appreciate one another

When you stay with someone, it is easy to take many things for granted. It is especially true when both you and your spouse are living together for many years. Both of you can call
each other in the middle of a crisis and there is always a person to handle the mess in their daily life. But when you go through a trial separation, it becomes easier to learn and understand that you are missing your spouse at your side. You may also realize their appeal as your spouse.

Go for a legal separation

Though it is not compulsory to get in touch with a divorce lawyer for figuring out ways of staying in different houses for some time, a lawyer can come handy to ensure that things work out according to your convenience.

You need a break sometimes

At times, a separation is a time when you don’t have to worry about the well-being of others. You can utilize this time to go out on a vacation with your friends. You may also get time to make up your mind on your exact feelings are about your relationship with your spouse.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation

Tips for Single Divorced Moms

Posted by: Gerald A. Maggio, Esq.

divorce mediation attorneys Orange County; California Divorce MediatorsAre you a single divorced mom? There is a high possibility of dealing with the process of healing your pain as a result of your murky divorce. Moreover, you also had to take up the added responsibility of taking care of your children mostly not only that, you need to arrange for meals for your family, deal with your former husband who could be irrational at times and have a roof over the head of your family. At the same time, it is natural that you want to move on with life and want to date a new man and gave a fulfilling future. Life is full of new challenges for you and you need to face then to put back your traumatic past and lead a rewarding and rich new life. Follow some of the tips mentioned below to do so.

Make conscious efforts to eliminate the trauma related to your divorce

As they say, time is the biggest healer. While you may have gone through a lot, do not keep thinking about your past. Look out for exciting activities that can keep you engaged. Instead of being stuck with old pain, start dating and going out with friends with whom you share common interests.

Do not depend solely on alimony and child support for your financial needs

You should stop thinking of alimony or child support as your income. After all, the money that is coming to you in the form of child support is only temporary.  In a majority of cases, even alimony too is a temporary inflow of cash. You need to establish your financial position so that there is no difficulty in your survival when these today checks do not come to you anymore. It is crucial that you make a proper investment in yourself to get a sound return in the future. It may be possible that you possess a degree but are not employed. You can call up a local university or college and inquire about classes, which will enable you to refresh some of the skills or get certified so that your marketability in the job market goes up. You can get in touch with the financial aid office and procure student loans to pay for these courses when you attend them.  Be confident about your talents and skills that you believe are marketable and contemplate starting your own business.

To learn more about the divorce process in California and how Orange County divorce mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.