A divorce can be a heartbreaking experience for you and your spouse. No matter the reason, separating from someone you loved and believed, would be a part of your life forever, can leave you feeling lonely, angry, frustrated, and depressed. But as you find yourself struggling with this harrowing time, you can sometimes neglect how your children could possibly be feeling.
Divorces can be stressful and frustration for your children as well. Not to mention very confusing. The uncertainty of the situation and the prospect of their parents splitting up can leave them very resentful and angry. It is normal for parents to keep their children away from stressful situations like arguments and the divorce proceedings, but it becomes your responsibility to help your kids through the process.
Here are some steps you should take to ease your child through your divorce and make it less painful:
Help them understand, the divorce has nothing to do with them. Kids may begin to blame themselves for your separation, especially if they have heard arguments regarding them. Tell them, the divorce was not caused by them and they could not have prevented it either. Explain that you are divorcing your spouse and not your children.
Tell them that you want them to maintain a healthy relationship with both of their parents. Do not speak poorly of your ex around your children.
Explain to your kids that there are no chances that you and your ex could get back together. If you leave even an inkling of hope, they will harbor that thought and keep hoping that their parents get back together.
Allow them to express their feelings about your separation. Tell them, it is okay to feel sad and angry. Encourage them to vent their frustrations and listen to what they have to say, even if it can sometimes be painful to hear.
If need be, take your children to a therapist who has good experience with kids. If you cannot afford one, reach out to family members and friends who can help you and your kids through this.
Do not fight in the presence of your children and always aim for peaceful transitions. Have peaceful discussions with your ex and be civil about the whole thing.
Reach middle ground with your ex. Plan vacations, birthdays, and holidays together so your children know that they will always be part of a family.
As a parent, it is your responsibility to ensure your children are as less affected by your divorce as possible. Despite the difficulties you could face with the divorce, make sure you are involved with their lives and make them always feel wanted and loved.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
If you were given the chance of having to choose a companion for your child post-divorce, which one would you choose, a new adult best friend or a new step-parent? Ideally, most parents would choose the former. Yet, the issue of a step-parent can have its lasting repercussions, primarily because they can plant the foundations of conflict at a time when both the child and the parent are going through the pain of divorce.
What is an over-stepping step-parent?
There is no set formula used to describe what an overstepping step-parent is. The answer lies in the eyes of the co-parent. First up, the influence of a new person may not be welcomed by your ex- spouse, since to them, it would seem like they are being replaced. Yet, sometimes their complaints should be paid attention to.
When you are in Orange County divorce mediation, this topic is likely to come up. Here is what you need to do if such a situation arises and how can you deal with it.
· Listen to what the other parent says
When your co-parent allays their fear to you, the first thing you should do is talk to them and encourage them to speak up. Remember, the kid is as much yours as it is theirs and their concerns should be taken validly and seriously. Only when you have the details, will you be able to decide whether their complaint is based on actual grounds or mere insecurity.
· Make a list of the issues that they have
During your divorce mediation, you should ideally make a list of the things that the other parent is uncomfortable about with regards to your child’s step-parent. A list would help you clearly mark what can be done and what can’t. A list could also contain the bare minimum things the step parent can do. Such as:
Attend Parent-Teacher conferences
Go to volunteer in your child’s classroom
Help the child with their school projects
Give their input regarding a decision in the child’s life
Coach your child’s sport teams at least once a year or so
· Correct it if you see fit
The most important thing to understand is that just because the other spouse allayed their fears to you in divorce mediation doesn’t mean you have to act. The decision to act is yours. As long as you have child custody, the child is your responsibility. You should only act if you think that the fears of the other parent are based in fact. If that is the case, you can have a civil discussion with the step-parent and highlight the issues, clearly demarcating what they can and cannot do in relation to the child.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
How parents talk to each other and their children have a big impact on their relationships. Try to think about the other parent as a business partner and treat them with respect and professionalism. This can help you to keep your children as your top priority, instead of letting your emotions get in the way. Here are some tips:
Tips For Effective Communications With The Other Parent
Instead of referring to the other parent as your ex-wife, ex-husband, or “ex”, refer to them as your children’s mother or father. Try to use words such as “stays with” or “comes over” instead of “has visitation with”. Try saying “parenting plan” instead of custody or visitation agreement.
Be respectful, courteous and polite.
Don’t get off the subject, concentrate on your children’s well-being.
Keep your promises to your children so that they know they can still trust and depend on you.
Make sure you are very clear when discussing the children with the other parent. Consider communicating through email, so that you both have records of important agreements.
Always keep your emotions under control.
Be mindful of how you talk about the divorce in the presence of your children.
Tips for How To Work Together AsCo-Parents
Not only do parents need to think about how best to communicate with the other parent, they just also act with the same intentions. Here are some tips on how to work together as parents:
Figure out what works best for you two to work together as parents.
Some parents can still work as a team by respecting and supporting each other.
Some parents use a business-like approach and find ways to discuss important issues and work out disagreements.
Some keep the households separate and do not talk much to keep from fighting.
If at all possible, cooperative parenting benefits the children more than parallel parenting does, as it provides more flexibility for everyone involved and the transitions are smoother. Cooperative parents work together in raising their children in separate homes instead of raising them independently from the other. Cooperative parents talk on a regular basis instead of for emergencies only. They work together to provide consistency between the homes and make all major decisions together. Parallel parenting might be necessary in high-conflict situations.
Maintain a log book using business-like notes (no personal comments) to record pertinent information about the children while they are in your home. Keep the book with the children between the homes.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.”
When married parents can’t sort out their disputes, they sometimes file for divorce. However, as time passes, there can be new issues that happen, such as “parental gate-keeping.” Typically, parental gate-keeping is done by one or both parents going through a divorce, which is a hindrance to effective communication and co-parenting.
What Is Parental Gate Keeping?
Parental gate keeping is actually a term taken from psychology. In the context of family law, it is basically defined as measures taken by the parents to protect their children from perceived, actual or manufactured harm. While the second category of gate-keeping can be justified, the last one is outright malicious by the practicing parent.
Combating Parental Gate-Keeping
• Be Child Centered
As you have read above, the definition of parental gate keeping highlights the reasoning of its use. The use is to protect the child. When then talk is about a child in a divorce case, the judges will always look towards the best interest of the child. For that to go in your favor the strategy you adopt as well as your behavior needs to be child-centered, making sure that the child is kept at the center of your divorce case.
• Keep a Watchful Eye on Court Order Violations
An order by the court is an important thing. It needs to be followed and the judges expect nothing else. If you are able to see that the other parent under the guise of parental gate-keeping is violating the court orders, make note of those orders and put them in front of the court for them to decide.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.”
During your marriage and once you have gone through a divorce a number of things in and around you can change. However, the more some things change, the more they stay the same that is so as far as your children are concerned. Normally the love, care and attention that the parents grant the children during their marriage will continue even once they have parted ways.
Increasingly most people that have children involved in their divorces are looking to go into Orange County divorce mediation to end their relations instead of a litigated divorce. There are many reasons for this happening. One of the most important ones is because parents can make use of co- parenting to ensure that the child is taken care of at all times.
Despite the apparent importance of co parenting, it continues to be a subject that parents worry themselves about. This blog however gives parents who have gone through a divorce a few tips to help them unravel the mysteries of co-parenting.
1. Communication
This is the most important thing needed in a healthy activity and a relationship at any time. The term co-parenting means that the two parents will have to work together in mutual consultation and agreement to ensure that the child is not made to feel the fact that their parents have gone through an Orange County divorce. For all of these activities to work well, there will need to be sound communication between the two parents.
2. Keep your Emotions to Yourself
Yes you have gone through an Orange County divorce, yes you may have issues with the spouse which is why you opted to end the relation however, do you think those emotions need to be regularly expressed day in and day out? Do you think when your spouse comes over or talks to you about the benefits of your child those emotions should come to the fore and dictate proceedings? The answer is no. Bringing your emotions into the co parenting will only ruin the cordial atmosphere and prove a detriment to your children.
3. Protecting Your Child from the Cross-Fire
There are often situations where the child can be caught up in between the cross fire of hate between their parents. This is the worst position for a child to find themselves in. One of the key’s to unlocking the mysteries of co parenting is putting the child head and shoulders above everyone and everything else. To take a leaf out of the family law in the State, there needs to be the “best interest of the child always at play.
Co-parenting is not one of the hardest things to succeed in life. In fact as far as reality is concerned it is one of the easiest. The thing about it though is that while it is designed to benefit the child, if the parents are unable to put their past behind it can haunt their children.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.”
Even when parents go through a divorce, the first thing on their mind is always the best interests of their children. Parenting is one of the most important aspects in your post-separation and post-divorce life and making sure that your children are not neglected once the two spouses have separated is a big challenge.
When parents go through divorce mediation as opposed to contentious litigation, they are better able to decide on effective co-parenting procedures, visitations and custody arrangements. Some of which may involve the children living apart from you. Here are a few tips to help you pull it off effective parenting:
Stay connected with them using emails, video chatting, and cards. While the world may have moved on from the old ways of communication, a card or a letter that’s inspirational and funny can really melt the heart of your child. You child needs to know that he or she continues to be the center of your affection even after your divorce.
If your child is not a teen yet, they will have different needs that you’ll need to care for despite not being there with them. The simplest thing you can do is to tell them a bed-time tale before they sleep, on the phone. It would be best if you each have the book that is being read so that each of you can turn the pages like the other making it a more interactive, loving experience.
Keep in contact with them frequently. Your primary aim as a parent during and after divorce is to make sure that your child is comfortable, safe and secure. You can only do that if you have frequent contact with them.
Remember you are not the only parent to the child. If your child is in the custody of the other spouse after your divorce, it is crucial that you realize that and refrain from trying to run your child’s life the way you want. You should have the belief in the other spouse to take good care of your child and not try to assert too much control on what happens at the other parent’s home.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters.
When couples decide to get divorced, the possession of the child (or children) is one of the most important and hotly contested matters. This is testament to the importance of children in one’s family.
The intention at the core of California child custody law has always been and continues to be the safeguarding of the best interest of the child. As mentioned in the introduction, the importance of a child cannot be forgotten, and that is exactly why the laws with regards to child custody set out to protect them and safeguard their rights. This aim to protect the child is once again at the core of the decision making by the judge in such cases. Primarily, the decision of the judge depends on the thing that is best for the child principle.
What Do the Courts Consider When Deciding Orange County Child Custody Cases?
The preference of the child considering they are of the age 14 or above
The gender, the stage of development the child is currently at, and the age of the child.
The needs of the child in terms of the educational, emotional and social aspects.
The traits of the parents, especially with regards to drug, sexual, child, emotional or alcohol abuse.
The psychological state of each parent and their ability for parenting
The cooperation and communication levels that exist between the parents.
The type of the relationship that exists between the parent and the child
Cultural considerations
How will the Temporary Orders be Decided?
There are three primary ways that an Orange County family law Judge can adopt to reach their temporary orders.
1. Simply Agreeing On The Agreement Reached By The Parents
This is the most used way of deciding temporary orders. Both the child’s parents may have already come to an agreement before the court proceeding and drawn up an agreement. In such a case, the judge is likely to only endorse the agreement and make it legal. Resolving child custody in divorce mediation or child custody mediation is often the best method compared to the cost, stress, and uncertainty of litigation.
2. By Investigation
In some rare cases where the court wants to have further investigation done in matters related to the case, they are likely to ask the minor’s counsel and a private child custody evaluator, often referred to as a “730 Evaluation” to obtain up more information before the Judge makes the decision.
3. By Formal Hearing
This is the common court route. The court is likely to hear out both the spouses and their counsel. It will also take into consideration each and every detail and evidence that they provide and it deemed relevant for the case before making a decision.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.”
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters.
If your child lives with you, but has to be away from you for periods of time, it can be tough. Even though your child is with your ex, you still feel as if a part of you is missing. Even if your child stays with you for a longer time, you still feel a form of separation anxiety when they are away. Did you know that you aren’t the only one feeling that way?
Your ex and your child feel exactly as you do. No one likes to be away from their kid just as no child likes to be away from their parents. Therefore, you along with your ex and child will have to learn how to manage handovers. Follow these six tips to learn to manage handovers:
1. Understand Other People’s Feelings
When you have to give up your child to your ex, you feel nervous and anxious while the receiving end feels excited. Both parties need to understand each other’s feelings in order to make a smooth transition. Don’t approach the handover with resentment, but know that the other party in a couple of weeks will feel the same way as you do now.
2. Do Not Bring the Entire Family to the Handover
The handover isn’t easy for your child, as he or she will be joining one parent and leaving behind the other. It may be an emotional time for both the parents and the child. Therefore, you need to make it between just the three of you. This means to leave the grandparents, stepchildren, stepparents, and best friends at home.
3. Comprehend Your Child’s Feelings
Your child may be the most vulnerable during a handover. Children will act differently and their behavior may change as the time nears for the handover to occur. You will need to comprehend your child’s feelings and not lash out at them if they feel the need to rebel. It’s preferred that you sit them down, both before and after the handover to talk to them about it. When your child arrives back home, give him or her time to adjust to the surroundings.
4. Do Not Fight with Your Ex
It’s given that your ex and you may not get along with each other very well and you may take his or her outburst against you as a personal attack. The unexpected outbursts or taunts may occur at the handover, which you need to learn to ignore. Remember, the person giving their child away at the handover may say something hurtful to their ex, as they are probably already hurting from inside.
5. Do Not Rush Your Child to Spend Time with You
The parents getting the child may be over the moon with excitement and may want to spend time with them immediately. However, your child may not feel the same, especially on their first day with you. So, don’t pressure your child, but give them time to adjust.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, “What is Divorce Mediation.”
A divorce can be a heartbreaking experience for you and your spouse. No matter the reason, separating from someone you loved and believed, would be a part of your life forever, can leave you feeling lonely, angry, frustrated, and depressed. But as you find yourself struggling with this harrowing time, you can sometimes neglect how your children could possibly be feeling.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
